Muscled Mafia Love {manxman}

Chapitre Quinze.

Minka Kelly as Zicara Kiloway (Bet ya'll weren't expecting that, huh?)

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Muscled Mafia Love: Chapitre Quinze

I hated myself and my very existence. I wanted to burn in the fiery pits of hell. I wanted to cry once again. I hated that all I did was cry when everything went wrong. But this time, I just sat there lifelessly, staring into the mirror. I didn't cry, I couldn't cry. This was the life destined for me.

But I couldn't deny that it hurt. It hurt like hell. It wasn't one of those type of pains that you could run to your mother and she could kiss it away like it was something magical. No. This pain was in my heart, something that could never be healed, something that would remain in pieces. I mean, fuck, I had honestly thought that it was going right, everything was going right. We were having a good time, getting to know more about each other. It was great.

Because of me, everything went wrong.

I had long since slipped on a long pair of pants and a long sleeved shirt. I didn't want to look at the evidence that made me who I was today: pathetic. I know John had to see the scars on my arms because Nikari must have cut off the sleeves of my arm to get to my wound. But he didn't say a word about them. He just stared but nothing came out of his mouth.

I shook my head, shoving it into the crease of my folded arms. "What is wrong with me? Why do I ruin everything I touch?" I whispered to myself, laughing hysterically. I was a twenty eight year old man, sighing like a woman scorned because I had just ruined something good. Sometimes, I wish Ramone was as evil as I thought he was, going to the depths to eradicate emotions in all of us. I wish he didn't leave me with emotions, that way I could feel nothing.

But he feels that we should make our best judgments based off of our emotions, that asshole.

But what I didn't understand, was the fact that I was sitting here whining about how I damaged a friendship within the span of three weeks. It was bound to happen so why was I so upset? John Cavanaugh wasn't of any importance to me. He didn't matter to me. He was just a man who had entered my life abruptly and left suddenly. He was just someone I thought I knew.

...or was I lying to myself?

Indeed, I was. John had managed to weasel through my defenses and he made me trust him, something I never gave out willingly. He made me feel as if someone truly cared about me, as if someone actually loved spending time with me. He didn't make me feel like I was inferior to him but rather, superior to him and that was hard because he was so full of himself. Maybe that's why it hurts more than it should. I was always the one who gave everything. Maybe that was my problem.

Why should I try when I get nothing in return? Why should I love when I get nothing in return?

"No, I don't love John." I whispered pathetically, a traitorous tear leaving my eye as I stared at the floor. "Demi, what's wrong?" I heard Derek's voice long before I saw him peer into my line of vision but I said nothing, wiping my tear. "Nothing." I sighed hoarsely. "Something is wrong. I've never seen you cry." He stated and I smiled softly. "Eh, what a sight that would be." I chuckled but there was no humor in my tone. 

"Demetrios," He had figured out a long time ago, that I hated contact but he still grabbed my hand, causing me to look at him. "Who made you cry?" He asked, concern in his voice and that pushed me to the edge. "What is wrong with me?!" I cried into my hands as he rubbed my back. "Why did I ever think that he would be my second chance?" I laughed pathetically. "Who?" Derek questioned. "Is it John?" I had no idea why or how he would guess that, but I nodded. "What did he do? Tell me." And so I did. I told him everything, from the day that I met John to the day everything ended.