Because of you: Never Ever

Cough Syrup

I ran to the bathroom and I tried to open it. "Come on Janai open the door". "No!".

"Come on please?". "I'll be out soon but you guys can go ahead". "You sure?". "Yeah".  I let everyone else leave but I stayed and I waited for Janai I heard water running it I didn't think much over it. It's literally been like forty minutes. I knocked on the door again there was no answer. I started to get worried.

I kicked the door in and I saw the tub overflowing. I saw Janai's whole body under the water. Without thinking twice I hopped in the tub and I picked her up out of the water. I laid her on the floor. I put my ear to her chest it was a very faint sound. I ran back to the room to grab my phone and I called 911.

"911 what's your emergency?". "Uh my fiancé I think she tried to kill herself I don't know what to do?". "Does she have a pulse?". "It's very faint but yeah". "Where are you located?". "The Renaissance Hotel off of Veterans". "Okay I'm sending a ambulance there Mrs. Williams. Stay on the line with me until they get there". "Okay?".

*****
I ran to the bathroom. I've completely lost my mind. I'm so embarrassed. I can't believe I lost control like that. I thought I had it under control. I hate myself I really do. I Khodie hates me. I know she's scared of me. Shit i never wanted this to happen ever. Now I really know she doesn't want to marry me.

I sat on the floor in front of the tub. I was crying. I kept looking at the bathtub. I crawled to it as I turn the knobs on the water started to fill the tub. I sat in the tub that was filling with warm water. "I'm so sorry" I said to myself. I laid down in the water. After a few seconds it became harder to breathe. I opened my eyes as the water burned my eyes. As I began to start blacking out for lack of oxygen. My chest began to burn intensely.

I blacked out and it was like bliss. I saw my grand father and I ran up to him. I was home. I was finally home away from the constant pain I felt every day.

*****
I held her body close to mines as I cried. Why would she do this? Why? "Your gonna be okay. I promise". I didn't know what to do. I stayed on the line with the 911 operator as the first responders came to the room with a gurney. They put an oxygen mask on her and they strapped her to the gurney. Someone put a heart pattern machine to her as they left the room.

I rode in the ambulance with her as they ask me a ton of questions. They rushed her into a room in the intensive care unit. They told me to wait in the lobby. I called my dad and I told him what happened. He said he was gonna come as fast as he could.
****
I was walking up to my grandfather and he embraced me with a hug. I was quickly awake with a gasp. I opened my eyes there  were doctors all around me and I had a needle in my chest that this lady took out. "Hey Janai how are you feeling?". I didn't say anything. "Well we are gonna take you to the psych ward now okay". I can't believe this. I just wanted to be at peace.

They pushed me to a room and they asked me tons of questions. I barely answered them. "Uh you have some guest that came with you".  Khodie and her dad and Reyna came in the room. I rolled my eyes at them. "I want my parents.. call them". "Okay I will go do that" Mr. D said as he left the room.

"What's going on Nai?" Reyna said sitting by me. "Yeah what's going on babe. You scared me half to death". I didn't answer anyone. "Can you please talk to us?". "What do you want me to say?".

"Tell us at least what would make you want to kill your self". "That's not an easy thing to talk about?". "Janai these people think your crazy. They are gonna keep you here for the rest of the week to monitor your behavior. This doesn't look good". "I just wanted some peace for once".

"I thought I was doing good. I thought I was making you happy. I've never seen you like this ever". "I never wanted you to see me like this Khodie but shit happens okay". "Hey I'm gonna go check on your dad". Reyna walks out the room.

"Janai tell me what's going on? Tell me that your unhappy but don't go and try to kill yourself. I think that maybe you need a little help. Maybe you should go and talk to someone. I love you too much to ever see you like that again. I felt as if my whole world was crashing down babe. I need you in my life. We are gonna get through this".

"You don't know what's it's like to be me. Khodie it's like my mind is on a hamster wheel and it's like I keep running but my body is tired but my mind keeps up. I have voices in my head sometimes. It's scary it really is but I have to learn how to manage it. I can keep it cool but I just had an episode. It just happen to lead to me wanted to kill myself to be free from this disease".  "Well look your parents are coming and I'm here and my parents. We will support you. But you need to get better. Please do this for me". "Fine I'll try therapy okay". "Thanks babe. You rest okay" she kissed my fore head.