Not For Show

Chapter 23 - " Nathan found out what happened with us,"

Last time on Not For Show:

Last time you read Not For Show Cailin was caught in the middle of Harry and Nathan. She had just cheated on Nathan with Harry and Nathan gave her an ultimatum. He wanted her to figure out what she wanted.

Cailin is also in the middle of launching her comeback album.

~ I hope that's enough. If not please ask me any questions!

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I took my car out of my apartment building. It had been a while since I had driven. Most of the time I always had a driver from a car service, only because I was usually multitasking. Especially with my album coming up so soon. Luckily I had help when it came to Roy.

With all the hectic days, I really did miss those quiet days in England. I miss my days with Roy, watching her growing up. I miss the days where we would sit by the lake and just paint all day. That was our favorite activity to do together.

Here in New York, it seemed like I never got that much time with her anymore. I wondered if she missed it as much as I did.

The drive to the studio wasn't that long of a distance but the LA traffic was never a blessing, not even at this time of night. It was about an hour before I made it to my destination. As I drove into the studio parking lot I could already see the paparazzi waiting by the door. I put my sunglasses on before I exited my car. The last thing I wanted them to see was my puffy eyes from crying earlier.

My mind had been a mess for most of the day. Nathan's question was still haunting me. I knew I had to make a decision on what I wanted to do but it wasn't so simple. Nathan was amazing in every aspect. He treated me with so much love and passion. He treated my daughter as if she were his own. He respected me and my decisions. He accepted my lifestyle.

Then there was Harry.

The man I have yet to let go. With all the bad memories I had connected to him, I couldn't seem to let him go. I knew that maybe he wasn't the best for me, but what if we had done it all wrong? What if it was all about timing? Maybe all we needed to grow up a bit. I wanted Roy to have a relationship with her father. The beautiful kind of relationship that I had with my mine.

My father had been everything to me. He had been my hero. He was the person I looked up to. Roy needed that. Then there's her relationship with Kian. She has a brother, a bond that I never wanted to break.

As I walked past all the cameras the paparazzi held in my face, I tried to hide as much as I could underneath my sweater. Louis was off on his honeymoon with Stella but he left his studio open. I was proud of how much Louis had made for himself, working with that best of the best. After all, he was the one that produced Harry's last album.

The album.

The album I could never get sick of hearing. The title of the album was called For Her. It was meant for me. How did I know? Well, it was the dedication. I read through the entire dedication. I saw many familiar names. But the end is what got to me.

I'm sorry for never putting you first, he wrote.

I remember when he said those words. It was the night he told me about Lia's pregnancy. It was the night we made Roy. It was a night we'd never forget.

I remember the night that I first listened to the album. I was living in England and Roy was only 6 months old. It had been a long day that day. For some reason, Roy wouldn't stop crying. In a way, I couldn't either. I knew that Harry's album was going to affect me deeply, and somehow Roy felt that too.

That night, both of us listened to the album at least five times. It was the only way she fell quiet, eventually falling asleep. As she slept, I continued listening to the album. Every song seemed to be about us. All of our ups and downs seemed to be poured into the music. 

It was an album I consistently listened to until I realized that I was just holding onto the past. I haven't listened to it as much but every once in a while I'll play a song or two. When I was alone, or only with Roy. I didn't want anyone judging me for it.

I started walking down the studio hallway when I saw a blonde come out from one of the recording rooms. As she walked closer towards me, I realized it was Lia. She was looking down but looked stressed. Lia was so in her own head that she walked right past me without even realizing it was me.

I didn't even bother calling out to her. What would I even say? It's not like we were friends.

I took a guess about who was in the room she had just left from, and I entered the room. I walked in and saw no one. 

" Cailin?" Harry's voice said.

I looked around and saw Harry standing in the recording booth.

" Hi" I simply said with a small smile.

Harry quickly left the recording booth and joined me in the studio.

" was that Lia I saw out in the hallway?" I asked as I took a seat on the couch and he took a seat on a chair.

" yeah" he sighed.

Harry ran his fingers through his hair like he always did when he was stressed or anxious.

" is everything okay?" I asked sincerely.

" Lia just told me that she and Zayn are going to make their relationship public at the awards  show next week" Harry sighed. 

My heart ached for him. I could only imagine what was going through his head. I knew that Harry and Lia weren't in love with each other. I knew that Harry had somewhat felt an obligation to Lia because of their son. 

I picked up the acoustic guitar that was next to me and started playing a couple of strings. As I played for a couple minutes, I looked up to see Harry silently chuckling.

" What?" I smiled.

" Do you remember when  you first joined the band and I would pick on you about your songwriting?" Harry chuckled before putting the guitar pick between his lips.

Instead of thinking back in time about when he used to make fun of my songs, I stared at his lips. I couldn't help it. All I thought about was the night before. I could still feel his lips all over my body.

Then Nathan popped up in my head. I hated the fact that I was hurting him so much. I hated that Harry made me feel so many things. It wasn't fair to Nathan.

As I watched Harry continue to play a couple of strings, I thought of a world where everything had worked out for Harry and I. I wondered if we would have ended up together. I wonder if there was a world where Roy had been growing up with a father all this time.

Guilt sometimes crept up on me. The fact that I kept Roy from those experiences made me feel guilty. But I have to accept what I decided to do.

" Harry?" I said taking his attention away from his guitar.

" Yeah?" he looked up.

It was crazy how all these years apart didn't change a thing about how I felt about Harry. He still made my heart beat faster than anyone else. Yet I still knew that we were too complicated to even be together.

As Nathan's words flooded my mind.

" Nathan found out what happened with us," I said as tears started to form in my eyes.

Harry's expression wasn't what I had expected. He seemed concerned. He didn't want to see me that way.

" He wants me to make a decision. He wants me to me to decide if I really want to marry him" I told him.

" And what's your decision?" Harry asked in a tone of voice that seemed somewhat hopeful.

Hope.

Hope was something that should never be destroyed. Yet in this situation, there was no other way.