Not For Show

Chapter 41 - " Is Harry expecting you?"

The apartment is quiet, so different than the day we left for my trip with Jess. That day felt so rushed, so panicked. I had to leave the city. Roy was the only reason my heart ached for leaving for a week.

Now I'm back and everything is quiet. I leave my suitcase by the bed knowing I'll have to unpack eventually. But there are other things I need to handle first. 

I look around my bedroom and see so many remnants of Nathan. The drawers filled with his clothes. The drawer on his side of the bed with some of his books. His things here make my chest feel heavy all over again. It still remains a mixture of guilt and sadness.

His eyes are permanently imaged in my mind. I hurt him. I hurt myself.

I begin going through all of his things. I place all of his clothes from both the drawers and the closet on top of my bed. I stack his books near his pillow. His extra camera things that were once on top of his dresser are now also on the bed. I dig through my own things and find some of his old sweatshirts and toss them over. Even his cologne that was sitting next to mine and tossed over towards the bed.

I dump all my things from my suitcase from the trip onto the floor near my closet. Dragging it over, I can already tell it won't fit everything but I try anyways. I grab all of his clothes and fold it up nicely but quickly. I'm able to close it but have to leave a couple of other things aside.

Reaching down underneath my bed, I know there's anolther smaller suitcase there. I'm sure it will fit the rest of Nathan's things. I pull it out but it bag pulls out a box with it as well.

It's the box. His box. 

I leave the bag to the side and bring the box closer to me. I stroke the top of the box with my throat closing up. As I attempt to open the box I try to swallow my the knot in my throat. It's when the top is off when my tears begin flooding my eyes.

His sweatshirt is folded on top, the same one I wore that night. I take it out and bring it to my nose again. I'm sure it's all in my head but I can smell him on it. I place it down on my lap and look inside the box again. So many of the memories of him have been tucked away in this box.

His letter that was given to me, the one I reread over and over again while pregnant with Roy. Pictures of us that have never been posted or shown to anyone, so intimate and private. His bracelet, the one he lost on tour but found in the back of the tour bus. The one he gave me because he knew I wouldn't ever lose it. 

There's ony one thing I wish I still had. One thing I wish I had never given back. The necklace. The birthday necklace I gave back the exact night I was given it. The night that's still hard to swallow. But it's the arrow necklace I miss. I loved it so much in those few hours I wore. And I still think of how much it meant to me.

I wipe my tears away as I place his sweatshirt back into the box, the box that I'll have to refrain myself from opening again for a really long time.

I need Roy. She'll bring a smile to my face. 

I pick myself up leaving my mess behind. Grabbing my bag by the living room, I rush out of my apartment with my coffee cup from earlier in my hands. Maybe the warmth of it will make me distracted enough to make it to Harry's apartment.

The cab ride is shorter than I expected. I jump out of the cab in front of Harry's apartment building. It takes a few minutes of pacing back and forth outside before I feel stong enough to go inside. I dump my coffee cup in the trash before walking up the steps.

I'm almost surprised when the security guy at the door lets me in. Harry didn't take my name off of his approved list of guests. 

I try to think of everything I've worked on for the past week as I enter the elevator. I count my numbers. I name five things I see; elevator buttons, my nails, the carpet underneath my shoes, my reflection and the lock of hair falling from its place on my head. I name three things I hear; the elevator music, my breathing, my heart. I name two things I can smell.; leftover cigarette smell from the last person that was here, and my own perfume as I try blocking out the cigarette smell. I name one thing I taste; the after taste of my coffee.

The elevator doors open and I'm on his floor. I haven't been back since that night. It's when the elevator doors begin closing that I'm brought back to what I'm here for. Roy.

I hold the elevator door open and skip out of the elevator before I begin going down to the first floor. I slowly walk towards Harry's door while I pick at my fingernails. I ring the door bell and wait. There's silence at first.

But then I hear soft footsteps. Roy. I wait for the door to open waiting to see her beautiful smile.

The door opens and it's not what I expected.

My eyes trail up from a pair of legs until I see her face.

" Hi" she smiles.

I don't know it's the shock but a knot develops in my throat keeping me from saying anything to her.

" Is Harry expecting you?" she asks still holding her kind smile.

" Um..." I shake my head. " No"

Bella waits for more from me but she opens that door wider, almost inviting me in a way. She's comfortable enough to let others inside Harry's apartment. A part of me feels like I'm the one invading his space.

" I'm... I'm here to pick up Roy" I tell her.

" Oh" she tilts her head. " Jess actually took the kids out. But I'm sure she has her phone on her."

Immediately out of reflex, I reach towards my back pocket.

" Okay" I tell her.

" Harry is in the other room" Bella tells me. " Did you want to chat with him?'

" No" I shake my head almost immediately. 

" Okay" she shrugs. " Roy really is adorable."

I almost choke my own breath at her words.

" Yeah she is" I nod. " Did you spend some time with her this past week?"

Her smile widens. I know it's genuine and sweet but all I feel is a pain in my chest,

" Yeah, the beauty of having a boyfriend living in New York is crashing here" she giggles.

" Sounds... convenient" I say trying to collect my thoughts and feelings.

I've been so selfishly confident ever since coming back to New York that I never truly worried about Harry being in a relationship other than Lia. I knew Bella was a hook up that would happen, but him being in a relationship with her again never crossed my mind.

Maybe because I, again, selfishly only imagined him in love with me. But he's right. He deserves better. Anyone is better than the way I've treated him.

" Bella"

My insides freeze as I try to figure out my escape plan. I take the opportuniy when Bella looks back inside the apartment. Once I'm out of view, I walk back towards the elevator. I had one goal today, to pick up Roy. There's no need to talk to Harry, at least not today.

From afar I hear Bella say my name as she closes the door. I don't hear Harry's words back. I wish I could have but the reality of it is much scarier than my fantasies. The elevator door opens and I step inside.

For a moment I wait. Selfishly I wait to hear his front door open again and his footsteps running towards me. But it doesn't happen. Because he deserves better and he's on his way to find that. I let the elevator doors close and begin to accept my choices.

I'm the reason for all of it. I've made the decisions in my life, no one else did.