Not For Show

Chapter 29 - " Because she loves you"

flashback

Harry's POV

Lia and I haven't talked in two weeks. I know it's about my new album. I can't blame her for being upset. She knows that the entire album is about Cailin. I think she's even more upset about how well it's been doing. The tour next year is already sold out. I think she secretly hoped it would flop.

I never brought her to the studio. I didn't want her to listen to anything until I was done with the album. When it was finished, I felt like I had to prepare her for it. I felt guilty.

She was quiet when she listened to the album for the first time. Lia made it halfway through before getting up and walking into our bedroom. My words hurt her. The guilt I felt hurt me. But those songs had to come out. For me. Maybe even for Cailin. I wanted her to hear them.

Now with the entire world listening to them, it's made our problems more of a public conversation. False rumors are affecting us more and more. It was an interview that she had done where they asked her about Cailin. She walked out of the interview and fought with me at home. I had never seen her this upset. I've seen a lot of tears. But Lia being anger was new to me. I didn't know how to handle it. Even worse when I had to leave the country to do some press for the album in Europe.

But being like this with Lia isn't the hardest part. It's being away from Kian this long that pains me. I don't get to see his face as often as I'd like.

" You never visit as much as you used to," Cheryl says as she puts a cup of tea in front of me.

I look up to see her lips pressed together, making me feel guilty.

" I'm sorry" I tell her. " I think it's just everything at home, the baby, and everything with the new album."

" I'm still upset that you didn't bring little Kian with you" she sits at the table with me placing a plate of cookies on the table.

I take one and take a bite out of it. The same sweet cookie I've always had here. The one that brings me comfort.

I bring my phone out and begin showing Cheryl every single video and picture of Kian. It's Cheryl's smile and laughter that brightens up my own face. It one of the few things in my life I've ever been proud to share with her.

The first was when my career began to blow up with Louis and Zayn. I was finally able to show her that I was going to be able to do something with my life. The second was when I introduced her to Cailin, because there is no one better than her. Now the third has become Kian, proving that I will be a better father than mine ever was.

Walking around her newly renovated living room, Louis gave her as a gift, I pay attention to every detail. It's been maybe a year since I've been back here. I don't blame her for being upset.

There's a new picture over the fireplace. It's a weight that weighs on my chest when I see her smile. Cheryl sits next to her with a little girl in her lap.

" You've gotten close, huh?" I ask as the tips of my fingers brush the picture frame.

" What?" Cheryl calls out from the kitchen. I look over to see her walking closer towards me. I tap on the frame as Cheryl follows my movement.

" You two are close?" I ask.

" Yeah" Cheryl nods. " She doesn't live that far away from here, actually the same street that your old friend John grew up on."

It's a feeling I never expected. Almost like I'm relieved that Cailin has someone like Cheryl as a friend because I know Cheryl will take care of her.

" She actually comes over for dinner every week, with her daughter of course" Cheryl smiles. But her smile fades for a moment before she catches herself. Maybe it's my face that gives it away on how upset I am about Cailin having a kid. A kid that's not mine.

I rub my hands over my face trying to push my emotions down. I've been trying for almost two years.

" Harry..." Cheryl sighs.

" I want to ask a million questions" I admit to Cheryl. " But I can't"

Cheryl worried lines on her forehead become more prominent.

" The more I know about her, the harder it is for me to be okay with the decisions that I've made. Because I made a lot of crappy decisions when it came to her" I explain to her.

" Please don't put yourself down like that, Harry" she sighs.

" But it's true. I wasn't the person she deserved. She suffered a lot because of me. I hope she hasn't told you everything, but I know you would hate me" I shake my head with tears falling down my face.

" She hasn't but even if she did, I could never hate you Harry" Cheryl tries assuring me.

" You have no idea!" I shout. " It's like I hadn't grown up from who I was when I was a teenager here in London. Do you remember the kind of trouble I used to get into? That didn't change when I went to America. I messed so much up with her."

" She doesn't hate you or blame you for anything you've done" she tells me.

" How do you know that?" I ask her.

" Because she loves you" Cheryl confesses.

I stay quiet at her words. Shocked that that love still exists because I don't think I ever deserved that kind of love coming from her.

The phone rings. Cheryl is hesitant to answer, trying to comfort me but I insist.

" Hello?" Cheryl says into the phone.

Pause.

" Hi dear" Cheryl says with her eyes glancing over at me.

It's her. I know it. Cheryl looks like she doesn't know what to do with me standing here listening to their conversation.

" Yes" Cheryl nods almost like she's pushing Cailin off the phone. "Uhm"

I walk away, trying to give Cheryl some sort of comfort. I stand in the kitchen away from her line of sight. But I stay close enough to still hear part of their conversation.

" Well I can't wait to see what she drew. I bet it's a masterpiece just like everything she draws." 

Cheryl tone is endearing, like the way she used to talk to me when I was a child. I hear Cailin's laughter through the phone. My nose flares up as tears burn my eyes. It's hard to imagine that I'll never hear that laugh because of something I said again.

I'm wiping my tears away by the time Cheryl hangs up her call. I grab my keys from the kitchen table.

" We need to finish talking, Harry" Cheryl says by the kitchen doorway.

" No, we don't" I shake my head. " I can't talk about Cailin anymore."

I'm speeding in the streets, trying to breathe, trying to calm myself. But Cailin is all I see. She's all I can hear. 

It's not long before I'm on her street, just like Cheryl had said. John used to live here. They were always larger houses than the one I grew up in. But when I get on his street, I know exactly which one is hers. It's the one that's isolated, almost half a mile away from all the other houses.

Privacy. That's what she wanted after me. That's what she wanted for her child too.

I put my car in park and sit there. I wait not sure for what exactly. The sun is starting to down but I can still see all the shadows. I know I won't go to her door. I know I won't call for her. I would have done these things years ago. But not anymore. 

But from afar, I hear laughter. I look over to see two shadows running around. It's her. It's her laughter. Her hair. Her smile.

She runs around in a dress with a little girl running after her. Except the little girl falls to her knees but the smile never fades. A smile forms on my own lips as I watch them from afar. They're happy. She's happy, without me.

Maybe me pushing her away was the best thing I could have done for her. Because now she has her own life, her own child.

Maybe my decisions weren't all bad.