Not For Show

Chapter 38 - " We can be together"

" I really should have not drank that much tonight" Jess groans as we walk through my front door.

" You'll be fine tomorrow" I tell her placing our purses on the kitchen counter.

" God save me from those dark circles" she prays.

I laugh at her plopping down on the couch. It's only eleven yet it feels like it's already in the early hours of the morning. I grab a cup of water from the kitchen and bring it to the living room for Jess. Her eyes are closed and I can see her breathing heavily. She's passed out.

Leaving the water on the coffee table, I try to think about how I can drag her into the guest room with her making a fuss. No wonder Roy is the same way when I wake her up.

I toss my heels into my closet. Sitting down on my bed, I rub my feet hoping there won't be any blisters tomorrow.

The apartment is quiet. No Roy tonight. Usually, it'd be hard not to have Roy for the night, even if it is Cheryl taking her but tonight I need the silence. My mind is still spinning. 

All I can picture is Harry's eyes on me. 

His reaction to Nathan's words is haunting me. 

Watching him taking a shot of brown liquor from the bar as soon as Kian and Roy left with Cheryl, pained me. I know he didn't plan on taking a sip of alcohol tonight. I know that he only did it to cover whatever he's feeling.

I walk into the bathroom and turn on the faucet. Running the cold water over my wrists makes the goosebumps rise over my arms. It's of distraction before I look at myself in the mirror. Tears begin to flood my sight. I blink them away to have them fall to my cheeks.

Staring at myself in the mirror, what I see is the same confused girl I was years ago. How was I so secure with Nathan and all it took to destroy that was Harry coming back into my life. 

He's accepted our fate yet in the back of my mind, I don't know if I have.

With all of my makeup off and my hair tied up in a bun, I take off my dress tossing it on the floor. I sit on my bed again, this time in comfortable sweat pants and a T-shirt. But I'm still not warm enough. I warm the tears off my cheeks and jump out of bed again.

I'm on my knees digging for a box under my bed. I don't stop until I reach the navy blue box in the back. I haven't touched the box since we moved into the apartment. I haven't opened it in years.

But I open it tonight. I lift up a black sweatshirt out of the box. 

His sweatshirt.

It's the one I used to steal all the time on tour. It's the one he's teased me about so many times before. It's the one Carter used to abuse me over. It's the one I use to sleep in every night when I was pregnant with Roy. The one stained with my own tears.

I put it on after almost three years without it. A river of tears begins streaming down my face. It's painful. Everything I'm feeling is pain.

It's guilt.

I need to talk to him. I need to hear his words one more time.

Rushing passed Jess on the couch, I pray she doesn't wake up to change my mind. I grab my bag from the counter and run out the door. The elevator ride takes too long. The security down in the lobby gives me a strange look as I rush past him.

Outside I'm met witha rush of cold air. I cling onto Harry's sweatshirt as I wait for a cab to drive by. It's a couple of long minutes of pure silence and darkness. The tears have stopped yet the guilt remains.