warning: this chapter contains depressssssing thoughts
I dreamt it all again and woke up screaming and crying. brendon ended up crying again. I've known him for a long time and I'm basically his baby sister. he kept apologising. till I stopped him. "apologising won't change a thing or how I feel! stop blaming yourself!" I cried out. I was heartbroken that he was hitting himself against walls, pulling at his hair...Sarah ended up crying too.
Jenna went to my house and brought me back my clothes. I had another shower and I cried in that one too. I didn't do my make up today or hair. I got ready into this:
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I went downstairs to see everyone dressed and in the kitchen making breakfast. I went to sit on the floor in the living room. I turned the tv on and instantly turned it off as the news was about a girl who killed herself. I want to kill myself. What's happening to me is too much to handle. I can't take it anymore.
"Babe!" josh lightly nudged me for the fifth time. I looked over at him. he handed me a plate of toast. I felt sick and pushed it away. "please eat. even if you don't eat now just eat later?" he begs. I shrugged and looked at my lap. "c-can I call the cops?" he asks me. I shook my head. "w-why not?" he asks. "it will make it all worse" I whisper. "as a women you have rights. those rights have gotten taken away from you and I'm not okay with it. your my precious gem and those stupid assholes touched you-"
then he noticed my tears. "okay not yet but later?" he asks me. I nodded as tears streamed down my face. he wrapped his arm around me and I started to cry again. then he saw my cuts from today. "babe no please don't do this to your beautiful skin" he whispered, staring at them with broken eyes. "I deserve this" I mutter. "you don't. no one does especially not you" "why me josh?" I sobbed. I started to cry again. what happened to me was something I can't ever forget.
"if brendon let me kill myself with the noose two years ago we wouldn't be in this mess!" I cried. josh started to cry to. "don't you ever say that! if I didn't have you I would never be so happy! I love you so much and don't ever want to lose you!" he cried. I nodded as we held each other. but I was on the edge and suicide seemed to be my only option.
