A book of thoughts.

Mommy Dearest

Recently, someone asked me about my relationship with my mother. It is always something I have categorized as a difficult subject. The relationship and dynamic are complicated. 

I hold a substantial amount of resentment towards my mother. I haven't forgiven her for a lot of things- and it's not like she hasn't tried to reconcile but to my own fault, I am not willing to forgive. As a child, she failed to protect me. She actually put me in harms way what seemed like every chance she got. Some she was well aware of, and some she was not privy to. 

I did not have the mother-daughter relationship every little girl has dreamed of. I spent my childhood growing up in a broken home bouncing back and forth between a very stable and loving household to an unstable and abusive one. Time and time again I sat in front of my mother with tears streaming down my face begging her to do what was right for us- at 7-15 years old. She held on for her own selfish reasons. She continued to allow us to hurt for what I can only assume is myriad of reasons. I think she didn't want to feel like a failure or bad mother by giving up her kids- but in reality that only did quite the opposite as she allowed us to be abused over and over again. She never did anything in our best interest- it was always about her or someone else. 

Reconciliation has been an uphill battle for us. I didn't talk to her for a few years, and before we stopped talking- our last conversation was full of screaming and crying and me packing my bags. And the times it seemed like she was going to apologize and try to repair the relationship- she only made herself out to be the bigger victim. Which, of course, only bred more resentment. 

Now, we're years past all of these events and I have allowed her to take a larger role in my life. I let her move in with me, which is something I never would have imagined doing before. She seems to care and want to try and be there for me, but it still doesn't feel like a motherly relationship. And maybe that's because I won't allow it to? I think I have my guard up with her still. As a little girl, your mother is supposed to love and protect you, not put you in harms way. So in an effort to try and make it up to that little girl- I keep my guard up. I'm always worried that I will get hurt again. Even to this day, I don't go to her with my problems or cry to her because I don't allow myself to be vulnerable around her. 

Our relationship is almost like a friend relationship. And I hold all of the cards. I dictate the terms of our relationship and I think that's why it works for me. I choose when and if she has access to me and my life. If she wants her daughter in her life- she plays by my rules. So far it has worked, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to relinquish that control- but one day I hope I can let my guard down and finally be able to share a true mother-daughter relationship.