A book of thoughts.

Reflecting

They say hindsight is 20/20. 

Unfortunately, I have to agree.  As I sit here thinking over the last 3 years of my life, I can't help but feel this immense sense of shame and disappointment towards myself. 

This feeling of disappointment is a deep and painful awareness of my own complicity in allowing the bullying and disrespect to persist for so long. It's a mix of regret, frustration, and heavy self-criticism. I recognize my own worth and the fact that I deserve better- yet there's still a sense of betrayal towards myself for not taking action to improve my circumstances sooner. I mean I guess I did try, but it will always feel like I didn't do enough. 

How could I allow myself to be treated this way? 

I thought I was in love. Those who say "love conquers all" are full of shit. Love is not enough. There needs to be love, but there also needs to be respect, trust, communication, understanding, compassion, and patience. Have you ever wanted someone to love you back so much that you allow them to continuously hurt you over and over again? It is a tumultuous and consuming experience. It is a combination of intense longing and devotion that leads to deep emotional pain. You find yourself justifying hurtful actions, clinging to moments of kindness as signs of potential change. The hope for reciprocated loves fuels your endurance , but this hope is intertwined with a persistent ache and disappointment. The cycle of hope and hurt leaves you feeling vulnerable, desperate, and trapped in a pattern where your own needs and well-being are often sidelined in pursuit of a love that may never be fully returned. 

So what happened? How did I get here? 

I grew up with a complicated living situation and childhood. I often found myself feeling vulnerable, unsafe, and unwanted. I grew up being made to feel that I needed to be grateful for positive treatment from others because I was undeserving of unconditional kindness. Or that I needed to try harder so that I would be treated better.  Or the typical thing you hear as a young girl of "if they're mean to you it's because they like you." I long for unconditional love. I crave love, acceptance, and validation so deeply that I am willing to tolerate mistreatment, hoping that by doing so, I'll eventually earn acceptance and affection. It's not that I don't recognize my worth or understand that I deserve better; it's just that the fear of abandonment and the desire to be valued can be overwhelming. This has often led me to prioritize other's feelings and opinions over my own well-being, hoping that one day they will eventually see and appreciate me for who I am. That they will see that I have been willing to stick by them in the trenches, through their darkest hours and be that support system and realize the heart that I possess. That they will realize how loving and supportive I am. How I would cross the World a million and one times if I needed to. But instead, I am allowing myself to be treated sub-par for the hope that they will recognize my worth. It is humiliating.

I have abandonment issues. The constant fear of rejection or that one day I will just be walked out on is paralyzing. I blame my mother. This fear has led me to engage in self-sabotaging behaviors my entire life. I push people away before they can leave me. This manifests as me being overly critical, withdrawing emotionally, or not allowing myself to begin new relationships. But if I do begin a relationship- I can also find myself becoming overly dependent emotionally on the other person. I seek their approval and validation and will center my moods and emotions based on them and their needs to ensure that they don't feel like they need to leave me. Instead of addressing these issues, by engaging in this self-sabotage- I often create a self-fulfilling prophecy, perpetuating the cycle of abandonment and emotional pain. 

So now what? Where do I go from here? I recognize my short-comings, but how do I fix it? How do I move forward?

I guess we will find out.