A book of thoughts.

Untitled Part 41

I'm trying to find the most articulate way to put this because my mind is absolutely racing. 

Honestly, I'm tired, exhausted and straight up worn out. I'm tired of fighting for myself. I truly put 10000% of myself into the people that I love and care about. But am I putting them before myself? Because who actually gives a fuck about my feelings? All I do is try to make sure everyone else is okay, happy, taken care of, etc. but I don't get that same treatment back- at least not from those people I'm putting all of that energy into. 

I feel like I'm drowning in my own life. I say something - I'm over dramatic, insecure, and sensitive. I don't say anything and it literally eats away at my core bite by bite and consumes every fiber of my being and completely destroys me.

I'm not unreasonable, and I think that's what the most frustrating part is. Actually- never mind. The most frustrating part is that I keep getting lied to and let down. And for what? I don't even know. I just feel so disregarded. I feel like I'm being tossed to the side and only regarded when it's convenient. 

A lot of this is my own fault. You could probably call it karma. I also just continuously allow myself to accept this treatment. I've cried way too many damn times over the last few months. Am I going to actually do something about it though? Probably not. And I guess that kind of defeats the whole purpose - I'm extremely self aware and refusing to do the one thing that would help me in this situation. Mostly out of fear I guess. 

I just want to be respected and feel like someone actually gives a fuck about my feelings. I don't know how many times I've tried to discuss things that are intimate, and personal only to be talked over, ignored, or completely brushed off. When it comes to those personal details about my life from my past, I can move past that. But when I'm trying to express real time concern for an issue or problem and I get agreeance on a solution only to find out months later that it was only said to appease me and the problem is still continuing behind my back- I would say I don't even know how to feel, but that's a lie. I feel disrespected, hurt, dismissed, humiliated. And now it has me drinking a bottle of wine by myself and writing out my feelings because I can't bring myself to say them in real life. 

I just wish I could truly explain the magnitude of how I feel right in this very moment. I quite literally want to scream at the top of my lungs while crying so hard I can't breathe because I'm just incredibly hurt. I feel like hurt is definitely the right word to use. I'm upset, disappointed, and honestly can't really say that I'm shocked. I just have to get comfortable with something I'm 1000% not okay with or move on and I'm not content with either of those options. I just can't understand what is so hard- because it's really quite simple. 

I think the hardest part is that I wouldn't do this to you and that's why I have been so hung up on this since November. All it should take is one time of me expressing something I don't like for it to not be a problem anymore. We're on what? Conversation 6? Maybe 7? I'm exhausted with having to fight for myself and being ignored time and time again.  Getting false hope only the be disappointed. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest, stepped on, and then ran over by a semi truck. It sounds fucking dramatic but my feelings are valid and mean something. I just don't understand how you don't see it. I've literally been screaming it from the rooftops for months. Do you just not care? Because that's what it feels like. If you don't care spare me the heartache and just walk away, but If you do care you need to start fucking acting like it because holy shit I can't do this forever.