A book of thoughts.

Welcome Back

I have never had more trouble writing in my entire life. Writing has always been my way to get out of my head and help myself figure out not only what my issues were but what was causing them- but it's been so long since I've actually sat down to write anything. 

But I have never needed to write more. I feel like my entire life is caving in on me- but it shouldn't be. I am in my 'prime' a young 20 something with a job better than most and could jumpstart a great career, the first stable relationship I've literally ever been in, some financial issues but the most on my feet I've been, and right in the middle of my post secondary education. Life is not terrible by any means, but I'm still struggling. 

If you have read literally anything from any of my other 46 parts you would know how much of a shit show my life has been and how this is the most normal my life has been in a very long time. So why am I still struggling? 

I'm still insecure. I tell myself I just need someone to tell me they think I'm beautiful and how much they love me to fix that but I'm just lying to myself. It would certainly help every once in a while but others affirmations won't fix my self hate. I realize how unhappy I am but I don't have a single ounce of motivation to do anything about it. So where does that leave me? In an endless cycle of self destruction and self sabotage until I completely destroy myself or a find a way to pick myself up? I'm not sure yet, but I think I see the path I'm headed and I can't say I'm surprised. 

I didn't think much of it until it was brought to my attention the other day, but I think I am using tattoos as an armor. They're my shield, my way of protecting myself. I am changing my body enough to have skin that all of those that have hurt me have never touched before, I am covering myself in art that I like to hide my insecurities. Don't get me wrong, I love my tattoos, but I definitely hide behind them. 

I feel like there is so much more for me to share, this isn't even the tip of the iceberg. I just need to be a bit more diligent. I promise to make my entires more interesting as well, I know this one wasn't very enticing.