A book of thoughts.

July 31st 2016.

10:33 pm and this is what I think about myself at the moment:

I just came to a realization. I like attention. Not just any kind though, the affectionate kind. I would consider myself a pretty insecure person. I don't always look at myself in the mirror and think I'm beautiful, if you were to ask me to make a list of things I love- I wouldn't even put myself in the top ten of that list, in relationships I feel insecure in my place. 

As a kid, I was conditioned to be insecure. Being picked on and made fun of by your family instills a constant feeling of not being good enough, pretty enough, funny enough etc. And it doesn't help when other people treat you that way as well. 

But.. I have come to the conclusion that these things have now made me fall in love with receiving attention. I absolutely hate being the center of attention in big crowds- I would be uncomfortable being put on the spot in front of a lot of people BUT I like when people individually give me their attention. When people focus on you and act like they're interested or care what you have to say- it's a feeling unlike any other. And when you feel like you're not pretty enough - having people tell you how pretty they think you are really does something to you. 

It's weird right?