A book of thoughts.

Falling

        I have recently been inspired and I would love to tell you the story of the time I fell in love. I know how it sounds but I promise this will be quite interesting so bear with me.

          It all started in 2014, new school and everything. I got a fresh start, and I was so happy. Nobody knew who I was, my past, anything about me. I was an interesting mystery to most people. By the second day I already heard people talking about me and asking questions and it was just the second day of the school year, it's not like I transferred mid year or anything.

            I noticed this kid in my world geography class, I'd be lying if I said he didn't peak my interest. This tall, 6 foot kid, black hair, brown skin, big brown eyes, one of the smiles you hear about in the movies. I was intrigued. I soon found him on social media and that was whatever I guess nothing really came of it. He didn't actually message me until I think about October. We talked casually for a while and it was good to get to know a little more about him, he started to get a little flirty and I did back. It was only ever in text, he was a bit shy in person besides being kinda popular. 

           Then came the day we went to the renaissance fair as a field trip, I didn't see him throughout as I was with my own group of friends. But when we came back from the field trip we just spent the rest of the day in our fifth period class and that just happened to be the class I had with him. We were talking and laughing and what not, us and a couple of our mutual friends, I thought things were going well. That day he got back together with his ex. I was confused. 

        I fell back, I didn't want to get in their way I mean if they wanted to be together who was I to get in the way of that? Two or three weeks later they break up. We began talking again and he was so sweet, fairy tale sweet. He eventually asked me out after a while of procrastination (because he was shy) and I did end up saying yes. 

          We were practically inseparable after that. He was my right hand, partner in crime whatever you wanna call it. I loved getting to know him. I got to know HIM, the real him. Not the guy all his friends saw. I learned more than just his favorite color, and favorite food. I learned his goals and aspirations with life, I learned about his past and what he wants with his future, I got to know him so well and was able to understand why he thought the way he did and why he made the choices he did, I knew him better than he knew himself at one point. 

          I was also his number one supporter. I went to almost all his soccer games (when they weren't the same time as mine, even when they were I rushed over to catch the end of his games.) I helped him pass his classes, I rooted for him when nobody else would. I helped him study, I hyped him up, I was there for him anytime of day, any situation. 

          I fell so hard for this kid. I fell in love with him. I wanted nothing more than to just be with him all of the time. He was different. Almost every guy who has romantically liked me had just kinda fallen in my lap and was all about me from the get go, but not him. I had to chase him. He was a little hard to get and I think that's one of the reasons I fell a little harder for him. If you didn't have to work for something is it really worth it? I worked for him and I fell in love, it was a great feeling. I loved looking into his big brown eyes and just feeling safe, feeling loved. His warm comforting touch gave me the sense of security I had been searching for my entire life.

        I then found out he cheated on me with his ex, and was talking to the girl he eventually broke up with me for while we were together. I didn't break up with him though, I stayed with him, I cried on HIS shoulder, because I genuinely cared about him and I loved him. Call me dumb I don't really care. 

           We were together for about ten and a half months. So much happened in those ten months. We went the first eight months of our relationship with no fighting, the fighting started when he started messing up. But the crazy thing is when he hurt me, I cried on his shoulder. He dragged me through hell but was holding my hand so I called it love. I mean I truly did love him but I don't think he loved me. 

          You see, through those ten and a half months, I spent every minute of everyday talking to him, I planned dates when I could. I was so for this kid. I started this notebook where I wrote him letters, wrote about our dates, chessey things to make him smile, he loved it. I filled a mason jar with all the reasons why I was into him. I wrote him little love letters all the time. And even though he did me wrong I still wanted to stay by his side. I wanted to believe there was love between us. Love, such a crazy thing that makes people make dumb decisions. It was so good and ended so bad but I will forever be grateful to him for the good memories, the laughs, the late night conversations, for the good things in life he was able to introduce me to. He was definitely one of a kind.

The real kicker here is that this wasn't love. I was so  young and naïve. I thought it was love, but in reality it was just an attachment. When you're in love, you don't make people feel the way he made me feel. He slowly lost interest in me, made me feel unwanted, insecure, and overall just unhappy. When you love someone you don't hurt them. And while although I had wished nothing but the best for him and did my best to help him succeed in life, I wasn't in love. I was young and attached and that is all it well have ever been.