A book of thoughts.

Imbrute

     This is really hard for me to speak about, I've only ever talked about it once before and it hasn't gotten any easier. It's been replaying in my head over and over like an old scratched rolling stones record. I need an outlet to release such appalling thoughts.

     It starts in 2008. First grade. I was above the other kids in my grade and since my parents denied the motion to have me skip grades I was sent into a second grade math and reading class. God, I thought I was so cool for it too. It was prodigious, or so I thought.

     I recall that day like it was last week. We were sitting in a very chilly, dimly lit classroom. Watching an informational video about elephants. Everyone's chairs scattered across the class facing the white board and the teachers back pinned the the class on her computer replying to emails. To my right was my desk, and to my left was a second grader apart of the class, Jesus. He sat oddly close to me which at the time I thought nothing of, but now it really does make me think. 

     Jesus and I had become well acquainted over course of the time I had been in the class, some would even call us friends. But what happened in classroom 22 was not friendly at all. I was seven.  Seven. So innocent and under educated on such a heinous matter. Jesus takes his arm and gently moves it toward the inner part of my thigh. I was confused, I had no idea what was going on. He keeps moving his and and fingers in places they shouldn't have been. Places a second grader should know nothing of. Immediately I asked to use the restroom and unhinged. I got myself together and kept my cool. I wasn't sure how to respond to such an extrinsic action. When I returned to Ms. McDonald's class the video had ended.I was so alleviated. I kept it to myself. I buried it. Never to be seen again. Until my later years. I blocked it out so much I forgot it happened well until soon thereafter.

     Fast forward to 2013. Twelve. Twelve years old. Puberty years. My mom began dating an army man. He lived with his 16 year old son Matthew. My mom really liked this guy, it was nice to see her happy as she had already had two failed marriages. We hung out with them every weekend and our time together was quite fun.

     It was a beautiful 75 degree day, minimal wind and they sky was camouflaged in vivid luminous clouds. The sunset approaching in a timely manner as we pulled in to the drive in theater. We were going to watch "Olympus has Fallen." Great film by the way.

     Anyway, My mother and her boyfriend were sitting outside of the tailgate of his truck on some lawn chairs enjoying the movie, as Matthew and I chilled out in the bed of the truck. For me it was more comfortable that way, especially since it was filled with so many pillows and blankets. Matthew was always a kind guy. Super helpful.  We were having a great time and what happens? Matthew keeps reaching under my shirt and unhooking my bra. He did it like three times before I moved to the other side of the truck. At this point I'm just relaxing under a blanket since I become cold easily. Matthew comes out of nowhere and his hand creeps up my shorts I kept telling him to stop or get away from me. Over me, I looked him dead in his face, those stone cold eyes and evil smirk imprinted in my brain forever. I remember his deep voice saying "Your mouth is telling me no but your body is saying yes." The movie ended and he stopped. Acted like nothing happened. I said nothing to mom because I didn't want to be the person who ruined her happiness. We we got home I went in my room and cried. For hours.

     I promised myself to never let that happen to me again. Looking back I honestly think it could be the root of my irritability and mood swings. I didn't think it was sexual assault at the time. I didn't know. I wasn't raped so his actions couldn't be invalidated right? It took me four years after to actually comprehend what had happened to me.

     It made me feel dehumanized and disgusting. I felt so dirty, like there's something wrong with me now.I felt like my body wasn't even mine anymore. I felt like I couldn't even trust myself. I felt like everyone could see it on my face like there was big sign held over my head at all times.

     That's the end of it for me really. I needed to release this out of my head somehow. Thank you.