A book of thoughts.

Something near and dear to me

          I am a firm believer in that children are not obligated or responsible to forgive an abusive/neglectful parent and they don't owe them anything. They are not obligated to talk to them and they certainly should not be made to feel as such. 

          I can't even begin to say how many times I've heard "But she's YOUR MOM!", "Honor thy mother", "She's still your mom you have to talk to her." I can't stand hearing these things. Especially from people that don't know my background, but sometimes it does come from people who know. 

          I can't even begin to express how strongly I feel about this. I don't give a single fuck that "she's my mom." When you put things into perspective, it makes you think; What kind of mother would knowingly put and keep their children in an unhealthy abusive situation? What kind of mother would guilt trip their child into staying in an abusive situation when they're clearly scared and uncomfortable for their own selfish reasons? What kind of mother deflects their children's feelings because it does not fit into the narrative of the life they made up in their head? What kind of mother continues to not put the self interest of their child at heart but instead continues to put their spouse first because they're afraid to be alone? What kind of mother allows their spouse to put down their children, sexualize their children, make fun of their children, disrespect their children, in front of their eyes and refuse to say or do anything about it? 

         I am sorry but I cannot pretend to be okay with this. I stood up to my mother, I told her she was making a mistake and that she was allowing her new husband to control her and manipulate her just like her last one. I told her I was not going to allow her to  continually hurt me and disappoint me anymore. She didn't care, she deflected all of my feelings, she let her husband call me manipulative and a brat because I spoke out against him. She moved to a whole other state to be with his child and abandoned me and my older sister while taking my younger sister with her. And even when my sister comes here for the holidays, my mom won't even drive her the four hours it takes to get here, she drives her halfway and makes someone else get her the other half of the way. My mom feels like she is still obligated to recieve my love and communication when she refuses to acknowledge my feelings and take responsibility for her actions. She acts like there's nothing wrong. 

           I am not obligated to give her a second of my time regardless of if she's my mother or not. She doesn't take responsibility for her actions, she fails to acknowledge that she messed up over and over again. She made me hate myself, she is the reason I was in a situation that made me try to kill myself twice, she is the reason I have trust issues, she is the reason I don't know how to accept love or give it. She destroyed all innocence in me.  I get that I can't blame people for the things I do, but when you grow up feeling like your feelings don't matter and that you're constantly being abused, it takes a toll on you. She is the reason I experienced these things and I will hold her accountable.

          I can't stand people who say "But she's still your mom". regardless, you don't know what happened so you can't say anything about it. I don't owe her any ounce of forgiveness, I don't owe her respect or my time and that's that.