A book of thoughts.

cloudy

I have never had so much clarity and still been confused.  I used to think that I had my life all figured out, which sounds pretty crazy, especially since I turned 18 less than six months ago. 

I knew I wanted some sort of career in law enforcement or public safety. That led me to the high school I went to where I got to get a taste of what it would be like and help me find the path I wanted to take. I found two paths. I found I was super passionate about criminal justice and policy- something I could definitely see myself doing in the future as a career. And Dispatching. I originally took that class because it would set me up for a good paying job right away after high school. So far, it has lived up to that original expectation. But, since I've become more involved in the real world of dispatch, I really enjoy it. I love helping people and this is just a great way to help people.

I'm going to school to major in Criminal Justice and I'm going to pick up a minor, either in public policy or this other research based policy minor. I want to be a criminal justice policy analyst/advisor. I know I want to do criminal justice related research for my career. I know I'll probably have to get at least a masters and an internship or two to really get my footing into the career and be able to succeed the way I want to. I know being in the honors college and taking my research based classes will set me up for this success. 

I work full-time and go to school full-time. I manage 6 classes- a full work schedule and I play soccer and am in a relationship. When I tell people the things I have going on they're so shocked. They think I have my life figured out and that I am doing such a great job managing everything. 

I thought I was set. I should be right? I have this big plan, I know the paths I want to take. But I can't just help but feel lost. I have no time. I barely have time to sleep. I feel like I'm working away  my youth. The years I'm supposed to just have fun and make mistakes and learn and grow. Instead I'm spending all my time working or at school because I can't afford to do anything else. I feel like I'm not getting enough out of life. I want to be happy, go on new adventures, meet new people, just have fun. - And I don't feel like  I'm doing these things. I know I'm doing great things to set up for my future, but I'm losing my present in the process. 

I'm so caught up in doing these things that the future Ashlie is going to appreciate and be grateful for, but I really don't know who present Ashlie is right now. I know it'll be better in the long run but I feel like I'm losing myself. I don't want that. I want to know and feel like what I'm doing is right and what I want. Not something halfway that feels more of a give than a take. I want balance in my work and play. But, I guess that's just growing up right?