A book of thoughts.

She Knows

I've struggled. Everyone has. Its apart of life, ups and downs are normal. Except I've had more downs than ups. Mine may not be as bad other peoples. Yeah I understand there are worse things happening, but to me my downs were the worst. Just a matter of opinion I guess. I'll let you decide how you would "rate" my struggles.

I grew up in a broken home. My parents are divorced, have been ever since I could remember. I have never grown up in a stable house hold. Always moving with my mom, new places to live every year. After the divorce both my parents got re-married. My mom got re married really soon after the divorce, my dad took longer. My mom got married to this guy, Jason. My dad re-married in 2010 to my stepmom, Brittany. At the moment my mom is currently divorced to the asshole stepdad, Jason. My dad on the other hand is still happily married to Brittany. I'm glad my mom divorced him, and I'm glad my dad is happy.

I guess I should start on why my parents divorced. It would make sense, and add some drama to the story. My mom cheated on my dad. Guess who she cheated with? That's right. Jason. I'm not sure how my dad found out and honestly it doesn't matter to me. My mom is the one who left my dad. She left in the middle of the night. The middle of the fucking night. She left my dad a note to wake up to when he was getting ready for work. My dad is a cab driver so he is awake around 1am ish. So it's around 1am and he sees the note. He needs to go to work, so my grandma has to come over to stay with us so he can leave. I really don't remember all this from experience, my grandma told me most of the details. Honestly when I found out how she left I cried. I was pissed. I didn't say anything to her about the details but I think she secretly knows I know. I have resentment towards my mother always have. When I was younger I was too little to understand. Now I more than understand.

My story mostly revolves around Jason. The way he treated me. I grew up with him in my life. It was the worst. I was only with my mom on weekends, so I didn't have to see him that much, but whenever I was over there it felt like the longest three days of my life. I couldn't wait to go home. That's what I looked forward too. I would always keep in contact with my dad throughout the weekend letting him know what was going on. One time Jason got so mad I was talking to my dad, took my phone away from me and threw it on the ground. The battery came out but it didn't break, luckily. Once He even threw it at me..

Jason would always get drunk. Get high. Smoke cigarettes. He grew his own marijuana in our apartment one time. He locked it in a closet. Never let any of us use the closet. Kept it such a huge secret. One time he left the closet door open, I wasn't supposed to be home but I had left something of mine there and went in to get it. I looked in the closet and he caught me, started yelling at me, saying I know I should be looking In that closet, and if I saw it was open I should have closed it. I freaked out because he was yelling. I grabbed my bag and left back to the car where my dad was waiting. I was quiet the whole way home. I could tell my dad knew something was wrong, but he didn't want to ask because he could tell I didn't want to talk about it. My dad is the only person who can always tell when something is bothering me even If it's just something small. If I don't want to talk about it he respects my decision and leaves me alone until I am ready to talk.

At one time we lived in a rented house downtown by a Carl's Jr. and dental college. One night he got really drunk and started to scream and yell. I got really scared and went into my room to get away from him. Unfortunately for me he came into the room. He closed the door and held it shut. He started to scream and yell even more. I started crying from being really scared. My mom is on the outside of the room yelling trying to get in. she almost broke the door trying to get in. that's all I really remember from that night, I was really young, the memories are sort of fuzzy.

Another time we lived in a one bedroom apartment. So we had five people in one room. My mom, Jason, my two sisters and me. I used to cough a lot. I am allergic to dairy products. At the time we didn't know. I would drink milk. I would cough uncontrollably. He would always yell at me to "shut up" and stop coughing. Some nights if it was bad he made me sleep in the living room. My mom took me to get a blood test to find out what I'm allergic too. We thought it was dogs, since I have been coughing since I was little and I have always had dogs in my life. Both Jason and my mom said they wouldn't get rid of their dog if I was allergic they told me I would need to "suck it up". It didn't make sense to me, they want me to stop coughing but won't get rid of the problem? I thought my mom was supposed to look out for me, yet my allergy was never a priority for her, saying to suck it up. Luckily it wasn't dogs though.

I have asthma and as you have found out previously I am allergic to dairy. My doctor had prescribed me two inhalers, one for each problem. Jason would take my inhalers from me, since he smoked he had bad lungs and coughed a lot. He would take the ones I had and use the, then he would have my mom fill my prescription and just take those also. One time I lost an inhaler in California when we were at the zoo. We got back to the hotel and he freaked out when he asked me for it and I told him I lost it. It was only a one dollar refill but it wasn't possible to fill it out of state. He was mad that I lost "his inhaler." He was so paranoid about it he looked through all my things tearing it all apart. My mom never said anything.

I could tell you so many other stories about how bad he is. How much of a bad person he is. But my mom is at fault just as much as he is. She has seen the things he's done the way he has acted and has never done a damn thing about it. Parents are supposed to have your best Interest at heart and keep them safe right? Or am I completely delusional with that statement? She let him do those things. Never stopped him. Put me through 12 years of hell. She knows why I resent her, she acts like everything is okay now but it's not. Not even close. She needs to understand that.

To be continued..