A book of thoughts.

Feels Like Home

I can't shake the feeling that he never really liked me for who I am but what I do for him. It's as if my worth in his eyes is tied to the things I can provide him. A home away from his family, financial stability to buy his own vehicle, career assistance and opportunities, a home, etc. 

I helped him get away from his family. They're what you might call overbearing sometimes. A family of 6 in a small home with only 3 bedrooms leaving him to sleep in the living room most of the time. I let him move in with me after about a week of dating because his parents kicked him out. After 4 months I then kicked him out back to his parents. After that, he spent more nights at my place than his own still and couldn't be more eager for me to be ready to move out again into a place where he could go. 

I helped him get his own space, then his own car. He never had anything of his own before and was longing for independence and to feel like he could call something his own. As time went on, I cooked almost all of his meals, packed his lunches or drove him food to work, did his laundry, picked his clothes out for him, made our plans, took care of our bills and budget all with a smile on my face and love in my heart. He just had to relax and enjoy with no reciprocated efforts. I look back on it now and there are moments when I question whether he's ever really seen me or if he's just been focused on what I can give him. 

I gave him independence. I took care of him. I gave him something he could call home. Who would give that up? No matter what I did, how hard I tried, it was not enough for him though. I gave him everything he ever wanted but I am not the person he wanted those things with.