A book of thoughts.

me

     I finally understand why I am the way I am. I should've known by now, right? It only seems logical. But unfortunately I knew very little about who I truly was until very recently. I mean I knew that I possessed a kind heart and that I was attentive to detail, but I'm talking about on a deeper level. 

      I now understand why I feel the need to be the "mom" of my friend group. I didn't grow up with a very caring attentive mother, unfortunate but not the end of the world. I want to be there for my friends and be able to guide them and listen when they need it because I know how it feels to be lonely and lost. I feel like I owe it to the them and the  world to fix the mistakes caused by other people.

      I have finally fathomed the reason behind my closed off interior. A rough past has caused me to close all of my doors and lock them. Growing up in an abusive household definitely took its toll on me for the worst. I refuse to except love from people for the pure fact that I am absolutely petrified that once more I will soon be neglected, I disengage myself before others are given the chance to do it to me.

     Being homeless has caused an everlasting fear of losing things. It has caused me to keep everything and I mean everything. I'm not proud but I cannot change it. It's like it has been engraved on the deepest part of my brain that's terrified to lose everything again.

     I do not think before I speak, why? When constantly being made fun of and hearing other peoples truths switched something inside of me that said "people are going to judge you on the things that come out of your mouth no matter what so might as well say what you want." I don't loathe my straightforward side, it honestly comes in handy quite often but there are few times when I am thoroughly surprised and shocked in the things I say and feel terrible for even having such a thought. But hey, you can't live your life just feeling bad and regretting everything. You have to move on.

     I hold grudges. God, I do. I can't forgive. Or at least choose not too. I know it's not my brightest quality but hear me out. I am a firm believer in "say what you mean, and mean what you say" and do as well. So when someone does something or says something and it hurts me, that's how I take it and I hold onto it. I don't accept apologies. You did what you did at the expensive of my emotions, I understand it but i will not respect it. You knew what you were doing or saying and you're obviously not sorry because if you were you wouldn't have done it. Case and point.

     I take the extra moment to look at moon, take a picture of the stunning rose, look at the city lights. I have missed out on so much in life I definitely do not want to miss out on anything else. i want to feel like I am apart of something. I want to appreciate the little things in life becase god dammit they're more important than you could ever begin to realize. I do not want to live in regret for the fact that I missed the beautiful sunset because I was worrying about the words of someone else, or not wearing that dress because of the things people might say. I don't want to be left behind anymore.