A book of thoughts.

What do I Want?

I feel like i'm someone that has a lot of love to give. One of my downfalls though is that i always put other people first and I would rather take care of them than take care of me. A lot of that comes from how I grew up. 

but even though I'm getting divorced, I still think there is someone out there for me and eventually I would like to find my person and settle down. I'm adamant on making sure that this doesn't ruin it for me and honestly i've been emotionally checked out for months. but I want to find someone that loves me as much as I love them and puts as much effort and thought into me as I do with them- because when i'm with someone im obsessed, i will do everything and anything for them. and i want the same energy back.

 I want a guy that's going to take care of me and lead me so I can fall into my feminine energy. I want someone that will let me take care of them also though, and not be afraid to be emotional or vulnerable at times. I want someone I can feel safe with physically and emotionally. i want a connection that goes beyond physical intimacy and superficial basic understanding. i want to understand why you are the way you are, i want to help you heal your inner child, i want to protect you from the things that have hurt you and i want to make sure that you are genuinely happy. i want someone that will communicate with me and respect me as a person and their partner, someone supportive of me and my dreams, and someone i can have a disagreement with and still maintain mutual respect. I want to find someone to share my life with, the good and the bad. i want someone that will fight for me just as much as i fight for them. i want more than a fling- i want real love because i have so much to give. and i'm not perfect by any means but im willing to work on my flaws and do what i can to be the best partner. 

I can definitely say I get jealous or petty and can be hard headed sometimes but i want my person to understand that is how i show i care sometimes and that they're willing to communicate and understand where it's coming from and helping reassure me and move forward. i don't want someone that's going to try and change the fundamental parts of myself but i'm willing to work on my flaws for someone that is willing to grow with me. and i do believe in finding the person you want to go through the ups and downs with. i don't think you should walk away when things are difficult but you have to find the right person - the person you're willing to endure the tough times with. someone that will fight with you not against you.

 i know relationships aren't always 50/50 so you have to find someone that can be 80 when you're only 20 or vice versa but it has to come down to mutual respect and understanding. while things can get difficult, it should be easy to say "this is the person i want to do difficult with" i firmly believe that your partner is the one person you should be comfortable opening up and sharing those things with- but if for some reason you don't want to it's so important to have at least one friend or family member you can talk to. like if you're not going to tell me you need to tell someone else and get it out. but if i'm your person- i would hope that i've created a safe enough space that you're comfortable sharing those things