Unpredictable | Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood. (Cake/5SOS)

Chapter 28

Time felt slow, painfully slow. I wasn't in the right state of mind when I left my house at all. It didn't really surprise me when I looked up and saw where I had ended up within the hour. When I left my house, my mind was distraught and numbness devoured me. Clearly unaware of my actions, I'm surprised I got here in one piece, but completely grateful for it.

Walking into the cave, tunnel after tunnel, I hear nothing but silence, the silence I've been craving since I left my house. Since I left the safe arms of my grandmother's hold. The falling of water becomes audible as I walk further into the tunnels until the pit finally comes into full view ahead of me.

Reluctantly, I stood at the edge of the tunnel outway leading to the pit, remembering clearly of the happenings that occurred here last time I stepped foot in this place. Luke telling me to never come back, his disappointed sad facial expression and the hurt that was in his voice coming back and replaying in my mind on loop. I shouldn't have come back here. I don't know why I did in the first place. When I got in my car, everything blurred. I completely tapped out of life and when I tapped back in, I was here, slamming my car door and walking throughout the damp, dark cave tunnels to the one place that could bring me to an ease for a little.

I walk in the pit, trying to shake off the thought of Luke never wanting me back in here. I tried not coming here, I really did. Whenever I was sad, angry or even missing Luke, I tried not coming back, but obviously, it didn't work.

This place is were everything started, technically. This place connects to me completely. Walking towards the center of the pit, I sat down amongst the sand and took in every calming sound of the water around me. I bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them as I lay my head on my knees, slowly shutting my eyes falling prisoner into the pit.

Everything was silent. The only thing that's audible is the sound of water falling into the pit and peacefully crashing up against the rocks at its side.

I just sat there for what seemed like hours and probably really was hours. I don't know where I'm going to go, but I don't want to go home. Not tonight, anyway. I won't be able to face my mother without lying to her or completely telling her the truth and both don't seem to end in my favor at all.

Thinking over what my grandmother said to my mother, she was completely right. All I've ever done since I can remember is try and please my mother. Whether that had been dating Vanessa, hiding Charlie, going to those stupid Christian charity events, or just acting a certain way around everyone to prevent her from embarrassment. I've never really been me with my mother and that thought makes my stomach churn because by the looks of it, she'll never know the real me. Then again, how can I even let her know the real me when I don't even know the real me myself?

"Yes, you do, Calum. Just admit it. It's been years, way too many years, in this denial state. Don't you ever get tired? Because I am," my mind begs into my internal battle.

Yes, I do feel tired, so damn tired, but I can't just do that to her. I can't just take the last ounce of happiness and hope from her. I can't just take away that image of a picture perfect son she so desperately wants, but I also can't be that. I can't fake that anymore. No matter which route I go down, someone will be getting hurt. Someone will suffer. Whether that be me or my mother, I haven't yet decided.

The argument between my mother and grandmother plays in my head as I ponder the possibility of being gay. I look deep into the water and remember the first time I was ever here, the first time Luke brought me here, practically kidnapping me and taking me as his hostage even though I really didn't mind.

The Luke that was oddly sweet that day, oddly open, and for some reason, that seemed to be my favorite Luke. The Luke that would fondly hold my cheek. The Luke that would care for me unexpectedly. The Luke that would get nervous and stutter around me. The Luke that wanted me just as much as I wanted him. That was my favorite Luke. He never really showed himself often, but when he did, I can remember it clearly. I can remember his hatred toward Vanessa over the fact she had been playing me. I can remember the distraught facial expression he had when trying to convince me my thoughts and doubts about my father weren't real. I can remember how supportive he was about my thoughts on being gay no matter how much of an asshole I sounded like. I can remember every stupid little look and every foolish touch that's sent shivers down me. I can remember each and every one almost as if it happened within a few amount of minutes.