Dealing with life!

Help

So I haven't posted in a while because I've been writing about year 10 but this is just an update about what's going on!

I'm so sick of people's shit. I try to help people even though I'm not the greatest at giving advice, but I wanna try and help people so I can live with myself and not regret not helping them if something happens. So lately I know this one person who hasn't been feeling the greatest. I can tell she needs help but she's not really agreeing that she needs it. I am trying my best to support my friends but I always seem to fuck it up and say something wrong which turns it into an argument. I try, I really do try, but I'm just shit at giving advice and helping people. I think I might just give up honestly. I need help as well and I know that but when I try to tell people about it they seem to make me feel worse. Like they will have a go at me about how I have it better. Yes, I know that, but just because you have things and other people have it worse, doesn't mean I don't have any worries about anything. You have worries, I have worries, we all have worries but every time it seems to me having problems no one can help.

My mum said something to me the other day which made me think. Should I really be putting up this much effort to live. Crying basically every night over something stupid. So my sister starting talking about how she needs dresses for her river cruise and I jumped in saying how my ball is in around a year and it will take a while to find a dress. She then said "Well let's just a wait a bit" I then got confused and asked what she meant. She said "Well the way your going you might kill yourself" I was shocked that she decided to talk about that topic since there have been so many suicides lately and I said "should I just do it then" she said "mmm" I went into my room and started crying. I don't know what to do. Everything seems to make me sad unless I'm with someone who i am deeply in love with. Which brings me to the worst day of my life.

So I have seen this coming, I just didn't want it to happen so soon. We broke up, and this is how it all happened. So I have been thinking about it for a few weeks, how nothing is happening. We were just acting like normal friends except for saying 'I love you' but every time I would have to be the one to say it first and sometimes she wouldn't say it back. I thought for a while how she is trying to adjust to her sexuality and get used to the idea of dating me, which was a girl and girl relationship. So every thing was just going normal throughout the relationship apart from trying to hold her hand every now and then. Also I know it sounds stupid but I've never been in a proper relationship before, and neither has she, so we really had no idea what we were doing. Anyway, nothing was happening and I started thinking that she probably doesn't love me because there always seems to be things going round saying how they hate me, and every one seems to bitch about me and no one acts like they like me. I started thinking about ending the relationship. So it came to the worst day ever. I asked her 'Do you actually love me?' Or something like that, and she took a while to answer as she was typing. I then got the message and was heart broken, but I knew it was coming. The message was about how she thinks she just loves me as a friend and she doesn't actually like girls and isn't bisexual. She then carried on to say how she was rushed into thinking about dating me because I rushed her so she just said yes. This then made me feel so bad that I was the one to ruin the relationship at the start by rushing her decision. I feel worse and worse about this every day, because I know for a fact that it was my fault entirely. At the end of the message she then continued to say that I am funny and beautiful and that she hopes we can stay friends and said she hopes she hasn't upset me. Of course I said I was alright. I wasn't, but I wasn't crying either because I had it coming. I feel so bad for all that I've done and my feelings and everything that I might think my time is over and I need to go.

I really hate myself, because I'm so ugly and I feel so worthless all the time because what I thought was gonna be my first proper relationship ended in disaster. I also hate that I can't control my feelings because the day after, I apologised for everything and she just hugged me because I was so close to crying because her hug made me love her even more which I didn't  even think was possible. Now that I can't have her or at least try to get the relationship moving, I feel worthless, like I don't deserve anything. If I do decide to kill myself I know how much pain it will cause about 5 people in my life. My mum, my dad, my best friend and Chloe. So not even 5 people. I always say I'm done but it just never happens.