Dealing with life!

Drinking

Before you roll your eyes just listen. I'm not gonna be talking about how 'cool' I think I am, so just listen.
So on Friday, I went to my friends surprise 18th and I was literally so nervous on the way there. I was sitting in the car pretending to everyone that I was worried about direction cuz we didn't know where we were going, but in reality I was sitting in the back of the car shaking. I was shaking so much and I couldn't stop. I tried breathing and that worked for a bit but then I just started overthinking like usual. I was worried about no one talking to me the whole time and about everyone looking at me thinking 'why is she here? She looks like a nerd' but then I thought no one is gonna look at me, everyone is just gonna pretend I'm invisible so they don't have to talk to me.
So after a while of figuring out directions and worrying we got there and me and my sister got out of the car with our drinks and saw the host of the party standing at the door. I was carrying my drinks, worrying how I was carrying hen because I'd never really drank much before or even been to a party where everyone my age drinks, so I was literally worrying about how I carry my drinks, and of course I was more worried than my sister who knew less people than I did. So I got inside and I was standing with someone that I knew but we haven't talked in a while, so we talked for a bit and then we just stood there awkwardly because her, my sister and I knew no one and everyone else was talking to everyone. Anyway after my friend whose party it was got there, it was alright because we just talked and drank the whole time and some people introduced themselves to me. I had so much fun and I got a bit tipsy but not too drunk. The thing is about getting drunk or tipsy is it makes you forget about your problems. That night I felt happy and I forgot that no one cares for me, that no one would care if I left, no one wants me, everyone knows I'm ugly, everyone knows I'm dumb and I don't know anything, everyone knows that I'm a loner and that I'm never gonna get into a relationship and everyone especially knows that I am worthless and not worthy of life. I'm gonna get drunk more often cuz it really does make me forget about all that. Anyway, moving on.

So this Friday is my ball and I'm pretty excited to dress up, have fake nails and party. It's gonna be so much fun. Now before all that comes the stress. The stress is horrible, and having barely any money to pay for things sucks even worse because I haven't been getting shifts at work as I am now one of the older ones cuz I'm 17. Of course, the week of stress I get three shifts so I barely have times to do things. But I mean I'm getting money so it's not that mad. Also this week I have a good manager on so that's alright. So I've been planning this ball and also this month as well as the ball stuff I have to pay for my car rego which is like almost $300 and then my car insurance which is like $130 which is $400, also lately my internet at home hasn't been doing well so I've been using my data at home causing my to go $25 over my data which is about $105. So with all that plus my ball stuff and my sam smith tickets everything adds up to about $1100 this month which I cannot afford.

Update: it's Wednesday and I had the ball on Friday and it was so fun! I'm still trying to pay for everything like my rego and my insurance and I have to pay my mum back for a lot of stuff! For the passed two weeks I've been getting 3 shifts which is good and earns me about $200 but I still need more money because all the money I'm getting only pays off my mum and all the car stuff but I still have to pay for my sam smith tickets which is stressing me out, but the person I am trying to pay back who payed for mine says it's fine as long as I get it to her. It doesn't help my worries though as I feel as she might get angry if I leave it too late. I also feel I am annoying her by telling her I'm gonna give it back to her cuz I just want to confirm to her that I will pay her back but my mum has to come first cuz she'll get more pissed. Anyway, back to the ball, so it was pretty fun, cuz I let loose and had fun and didn't worry about what people were thinking of me so a lot of people, including one of my best friends, saw a side of me that she has never seen before, the slut part of me. I was slut dancing😂, like doing slut drops and stuff lol! I was forgetting about everyone looking at me because I just wanted to have fun. It was my year 12 ball, a once in a lifetime thing, I didn't want to waste the time I had there. The stressful part before it was really stressful as we made the makeup person start at 2:30 but she didn't end up starting until 2:45 but she also took her time so I went first and Leanne went second and she literally finished her makeup when we had to leave so she was rushing to get ready to go on the limo. Anyway, you'd think that because it took so long that it would turn out good, or at least decent. It was shit. I hated it, she put too much blush, the eyeliner looked like how they did it in the 2000's and it was just so uneven, also she did the lashes shit and my face just looked like shit in general. Anyway let's go back to the fun. At the ball there was a photo booth and I got photos with all my friends and someone who I hadn't seen it ages as she moved school, but someone invited her so I got photos with her as well! After the ball we got to Leanne's house and got dressed and took an uber to the afters. The afters was not that good as everyone was tired from the ball. Although I did give my friend her first drink and she was also tired so she was acting so funny and was like randomly falling back saying trust fall to her boyfriend and then she would run around saying "I'M FAST AS FUCK BOIII!!" It was hilarious. I had two drinks and had to pee every 5 seconds. We ended up leaving at around 2:30 and Leanne's boyfriends mum took us to McDonald's to get chicken nuggets and then we went home. So that all for the ball now I want to talk about something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

So I've started liking this girl at school and I just think she is so gorgeous. Like I really like her and I hate it because she is one of the best dancers I've sever seen and so she is in my dance class but it's so bad that I get butterflies when she is around and when she talks. It's really weird liking someone other than Chloe though because like I have a crush on this girl and it's really weird because unlike Chloe I don't talk to her and it's just weird. I'm still in low with Chloe though. I can't forget about her. Since she's left, she's on my mind 24/7 and I just miss her so much. I miss the comfort of being able to say whatever I want without feeling anxious, I miss the laughter she brang to school making it feel like a better place than it is. I miss the constant calls we had that went for 5 hours. I miss the hugs I would get when we were sad. I miss the relation we had to what each other would say. I miss everything, I just miss her being here and her presence, I honestly didn't think it was gonna be this hard!

Anyway that all for now, I'll write soon
Stay alive |-/