Dealing with life!

I'm really trying

Hi, so I haven't updated in a while as I just never feel the need to write because, 1 I'm too lazy and 2 I completely forget about writing to occupy my mind instead of all the overthinking that fills up my mind. I have been wanting to update for around a week now and as school is coming up in a week and a  bit,  I decided I wanted to write about my holidays.

So a week before school finished, Chloe, my best friend left to move. Right now it's been over 3 months since she left and I have been doing ok at some aspects, then I get worse to the point where I thought I would never get, but then sometimes I can forget about everything and have decent time where I can forget about my problems. Before I get into the shit and ok times i'll start by saying what I've done during my holidays. So at the start of my holidays, it was pretty shit I was so depressed that I was in bed and at work for the majority of that time. That was for about a month. I didn't really organise anything to do as I was just so depressed about Chloe leaving and didn't want to talk to anyone, plus I was working most of the time. During that month or so, Chloe finally got wifi in which what felt like forever, but was only like 2 weeks. We started calling as much as possible. We had to fit around her schedule as she was still moving in and it was like midnight for me but mid day for her which was the only time we could call. We missed out a few days of being on call, but we would still message which was tough, but now it's much worse which i'll get to in a bit. 

After that month of doing nothing, it was Christmas and I basically did nothing, and got nothing except skincare products, which I was upset about at the time now I don't really care. I also worked Christmas day as I work at McDonalds, which is 24 hour, that was pretty boring as it wasn't really busy. After that I had a positive, I got a car and my license, which was fun for a bit but now I just drive people everywhere. During that time I also found my ball dress, which was exciting, but now I'm stressing as the ball is in less than a month and this bitch is fucking up our plans so now we have to pay a lot of money for the limo because she didn't want to pay a little bit of money. Anyway, now I don't know what's going on with my makeup as she was in charge with that and hasn't messaged me back telling me what's going, I also have to get my hair sorted but I don't know who's doing that yet, so at the moment I'm stressing about that and I like to be organised sort of so yeah. 

Moving on. This last month has been alright up to the last week and a bit as I have been planning to do things with my only friend as we have to plan around our two work schedules. Any way, so that was fun as we have been to adventure world a few  times, we also went shopping and had sleepovers, which was fun as it made me forget missing my best friend and remember the memories we had and what we would be doing if she was here with us. At times it was hard though as I thought how much more fun it would be if she was there, because she always made everyone laugh and cheered everyone up by her being stupidly funny which i really miss. That was what it was like the last week of year 11 as she wasn't there and it was literally silent at the lunch table and every day me and my friend would walk off crying as we were the closest to her. Anyway back to the holidays, as well as hanging out with my friends I got a tattoo. It was pretty painful but I didn't cry, however my sister got one done on her ankle which is more painful than the wrist (where i got mine) and she cried so much which was funny for me, although it did make me more terrified as she went first. I got a semicolon (;) as it's the meaning of a girl who lost her father to suicide, which now has a meaning of anxiety and depression which is one of the reasons why I got it. I also saw a lot of people with the same tattoo and thought it looked really cute. 

So this last week and a bit. It's been a struggle. Basically, I've been feeling more down than usual. I've been feeling really empty, unless I'm with someone who can distract me. If you don't know what that feels like, It's basically like you feel more down than usual, but you don't cry, It's like you'll just sit there looking into space, bored out of your mind. You think about everything because your really bored and in such a deep depression that nothing you do makes you happy, you have no interest in anything until this feeling passes, the only way I find helps is sleeping, or talking to someone that can distract you from it but sometimes that doesn't even work. This emptiness has also made me think a lot more of suicide and now i can drive I can go anywhere and do whatever I want. I've been thinking of driving to a bridge but I don't know one anywhere close to my house. I also dealt with this by cutting, but I didn't tell any one as they would think I'm attention seeking. On top of all this I've been stressing about the ball and starting my last year of school.

I also want to talk about Chloe, because I think this past week and a bit, went to shit as she stopped talking to me as much. I really don't know why, I really thinks she hates me a lot because she's made other friends as she has started college, and she knows she can call me whenever and she just hasn't, which was not because she had college because i know that she has had early finishes and can talk to me after as it's not really that late for me when she finishes, but I know people will say she's busy, but it's like she can't even text me back, she will just say one thing about her problems, which is fine but it's like she doesn't message me, meaning she probably hates me. I know every one hates me but I thought she would be the one friend that actually stays my friends and isn't faking her friendship with me like very one else. Also I know Leanne hates me because I'm always the one to ask to hang out and that's the only reason I hang out with her because if I didn't text her I wouldn't hang out with her at all.

I think that's all I wanna talk about for now. I will probably re-update in  a few weeks after the first week of school and tell you about all the crying I've been doing because I already know how much It's gonna suck not having Chloe there to cheer me up when I go back that shit hole called school.

It was so much better having her here with me, in the same country, in the same school, same area, just around me, it was so much better, I honestly don't know why I used complained about my life so much.