Dealing with life!

More urges

So today was a shit day. Full stop. It was so hair because the whole day I felt like crying. I miss her. I miss my best friend. I miss the laughter she made around the room. I miss the happiness she created with her witiness. Most of all I miss the small things, like walking each other to class, freaking out when a song comes on from our favourite artists and a lot of other things. Although things are difficult I'm glad I have this one person keeping my as happy as I can be during this difficult part of my life. She makes me laugh and makes me forget for a second what has happened and that someone who was/ is very important in my life, is gone.  Although today was hard as we were both in shitty moods and couldn't come out of them. Also today I was meant to do a speech in English and I was so nervous, so now I have be re nervous all over again tomorrow. Anyway, so I was watching people do their speech and I was shaking violently. My whole body was shaking and my teeth were chattering. Leanne looked over at me and said put your jacket on, thinking I was cold, which I get as people shiver when they're cold, however I get like this every time I get anxious, so I said to her, "I'm just nervous lol".
After school wasn't that bad as I went with Leanne to do her hpt and she passed. I'm so proud of her because I knew she would pass and she was so nervous before like I was and I was trying to reassure her everything would be fine and that she would pass but just like I did she denied that she was gonna pass. Anyway, after that we went to see the greatest showman and it was so good.
So, right now I'm sitting on my bed with scratches and blood all up my arm trying to fight the urge to redo what I have just done again. I know some people say and think that I'm doing this for attention, that I'm writing this for attention, but for me, I'm focusing on typing this instead of cutting again. Writing this also makes me express what I feel in hopes that people can relate to what I'm going through and hopefully feel better.

Anyway, I got to this point tonight by getting home from the movies and mum asked me to do the washing. So I was doing the washing and I saw this little white traingular shaped thing which looked like paper or a nail or something. So already I didn't know it at the time but I think I was already fighting the urge. So I started scratching my leg with this thing I thought was harmless. I then felt a stinging sensation and blood starting to seep out. That's when the urges started to happen. Firstly it usually starts out by me scratching my leg for fun and then I just can't stop. It's like something takes over me and I can't stop and I find that I enjoy it and have fun and the satisfaction of the blood pouring out of the scratches. Anyway, so I first was just having fun and scratching and then I realised I was cutting in straight lines which obviously, If someone saw they would know it's self harm scars and would think I'm doing it for attention. This obviously isn't the case and I usually do it on my upper leg right at the top where no one can see. So at first I started doing it there, but in the position I was sitting, it was a hard to reach place so I just did it on my arm. I then came into my room and realised hat people are going to see these scars. Tomorrow is gonna he horrible. For starters I have that speech so I'm going to have to position my arm in a place where no one can see as everyone is going to be staring at me and my arms as I'll be shaking so much, and also I have work. That's gonna be a disaster because f anyone sees I'm screwed. I also can't wear a jacket cuz I'm not allowed to and even if I was people would think I'm weird as it is really hot where I am.

Now I am sitting in my room still fighting the urge and it's hard as once I stop writing this I know I'm gonna start again.

Anyway, everyone please don't follow the mistakes I have made by damaging yourself and your beautiful bodies because no one else deserves it and I know this because I am the only one deserves this treatment as I am such a fuck up in everyone's life and I am a worthless, ugly, piece of shit and deserve to die.

Stay Alive Please | - /
Especially the two people who will read this first, because both of you deserve the world, as you have both helped me through the tough times and are still helping me on this tourchered journey, some people like to call life!