Dealing with life!

Update - Proud

This is an update because I haven't written in a while. It's gonna be a long one.
Life is alright right now but I know when it's like this it's gonna go downhill again so I can't wait for that🙄!

So I wanna talk about before when everything was hitting me hard. I had so many stresses out on top of me and I kept having breakdowns almost everyday and it fucking sucked. I know people say like get over it or you have it better than a lot of people, some people have breakdowns everyday and panic attacks so you shouldn't be complaining. I know, trust me I do know I get told that almost everyday that you have it harder and I know that but a lot of people have it a lot better and I'm so happy that some people don't have to feel this way about them self. Any way, so before I went on holiday, there were a lot of stresses because I had to rush and get ahead of everyone in school so I wasn't behind when I got back, but the main pressure was from myself because I know when I get behind that I stress more, and t was weighing on me. Still dealing with one of my best friends leaving, and dealing with a death that I never thought would affect me so much has been weighing on me since year 8. It was the death of the first person who was closer to me than the other people that have died in my life, and because this person didn't die from old age, it was more surprising than ever and took a tole on a lot of people. So this caused me to be more stressed at work and have more breakdowns.

On my holiday it was also really stressful because the family had no clue what we were doing and where we were going so everyone was arguing and dad was shouting at everyone because he was stressed and then I had the best week as I went to visit my friend and we went ice skating, to the pools, the movies and some other stuff and then I got sick. I am still sick now and it's been a month🙄. Anyway so that week was fun but we were both really anxious wherever we went as she is still new there and didn't know what she was doing and there were a lot of teenagers around causing us major anxiety but other than that it was good. Then I had to leave her. I didn't cry but I almost did. I held it in but it was really hard hugging her mum because she saw me breakdown the most I have before when we left each other the first time and was watching me to see if I would do it again and as I went to hug her she said it's ok or you'll be alright, or something like that. On the car ride I was listening to sad music and it almost got me but I held it in. After that we went to Paris and it was hard because not many people spoke good English a son it was quite stressful. Then as we had to catch the metro (train) everywhere, we caught our first one and of course it happened to us but it was incredibly busy and mums phone and dads wallet got stollen which had all of our cards and money in. We did have some cash back at the hotel but not much. Anyway the rest of the holiday was alright. We saw the Eiffel Tower which was beautiful as it sparkled in the night sky. After Paris we stayed in a shitty hotel in London for the night as we had our flight the next morning. And by the way everywhere we stayed in England had no air con and barely any good fans as it usually cold but when we went there it was so hot that we were dying from the heat. Anyway the flight back was annoying because I was coughing the whole time and people kept staring at me and it was so embarrassing.

When I got back to school, the stress started again like I thought it would. I have to catch up on my photography assignment still that I am procrastinating doing right now and I had a sport test and an English review to do this week and now I have a speech next week and I haven't even started. Like it's less work than I thought I would have to do but it's still stressful because I have work 4 times a week which is good for money because I need to pay an expensive phone bill, my car insurance and registration and now I have pay for my car to be serviced and two concert tickets but I still have homework to be done although my mum said she doesn't care if I don't graduate but it will make me feel even more worthless if I don't.                                               ... moving on.

Now I wanna talk about when my life was better. I wasn't depressed, I didn't realise I was anxious and have to hide it because I just thought I was shy, I was happy, I had no problems with my friends and the only things were that I was shy at school and I always argued with my sister. I used to win award all the time for being a great student and now being in high school, I've been here for 5 years and I've won one award and it bothers me because I know I'm no longer 'smart' or 'talented' and it bothers me because I know it looks like I don't but I do try my hardest it's just I procrastinate but I only rarely turn my assignments in late.

On a better note, school finishes in 9 weeks and I can't wait to get out but I barely have a clue about what I wanna do and it's stressing me out but I still can't wait to get out of the hell hole so then I can work in a worse hell hole but earn more money for my 'future'.

Something that really annoys me is that when people say they have no friends, but everywhere they walk they are talking to someone or at least saying hi to someone. I literally have like 3 people I talk to at school but only one of them, which is her is all I'm close to and all she says is I have no friends or no one cares about me. She needs to realise that she has so many people that care and love her.

Now yesterday Shawn Mendes tickets went on sale and with all my bills I can't afford it because I really wanna go because my sister is coming to a concert with me that I will love so I wanna go for her and I also love Shawn but I think she's gonna get them and then I'm gonna pay her back so hopefully it all works out.

Now onto the concert I'm gonna love. The twenty one pilots concert. I'm so excited. I got tickets for the pit and I'm really scared because it's new territory and it's gonna be my first pit but people say tøp concerts are really supportive and helpful for anxious people which makes me more excited. It really sucks though because my dream since I got into tøp was to go to a concert with the one person who introduced and keeps me updated with tøp because without her I wouldn't know about them but I can't because she's on the other side of the world and when we first heard about them coming back we planned to meet up and go, but it didn't work out and I'm so upset.

So on Thursday at work I came out to two people and it was a good shift because the first girl said she thinks she feels the same and she thinks she likes both girls and boys and that I was the first person she told and it made me really happy because we then both told this other girl who is already out and has a girlfriend and we all bonded the whole night and it was so great because it made me feel more confident in myself and now I just wanna tell more people.

The last thing I want to talk about is cutting. Before my holiday I cut the night before I left because I knew it would be the last release as I wouldn't be able to do it on holiday and I'm really proud of myself because I haven't cut since. I haven't cut since the 24th of June which was over a month ago and before I left I did it every night, maybe twice a night and I felt like it was an addiction. Life really hasn't been horrible since I got back. Like if I had the tools I could of cut on holiday but I didn't. I wasn't even thinking about it while on holiday though apart from seeing my scars that are permanent on my legs. I did get really upset at time but I didn't think of it. Maybe it was because I didn't have all the other stresses of school and work on top of me, but I am really happy that I have been clean for a month. I know soon it's gonna become hard again. The stresses are gonna pile and then something will happen like I deserve and it's gonna be it and every little thing will set me off like before. But right now I just wanna focus on feeling ok for right now.

Stay alive ||-//