Dealing with life!

The weight

Everything is weighing me down. I can't deal with this any more. Everything is stressful and I just can't anymore. I honestly don't know how  people overcome depression. Especially with anxiety over the top of that. Like I would rather just be depressed. Like what a life that would be to not be anxious all the fucking time. I just wish my life could just be taken away. I don't wanna be here, I just wish everything would just end.

Today my mum called me fat once again. I've  stopped eating. I barely eat anymore, especially on days like this where I'm not doing anything. Today I ate something at like 4:30 and mum was like if you keep eating like this, your gonna be as fat as me. At this point I had taken literally one bite. So I basically threw the plate at her and I did my chores like she told me to and I went to my room. I started cutting my arm. I then heard her shout get rid of this food before I do so of course me being the fat person I am I put it in my room, so I then finished my chores and went into my room to eat because I was starving. I'm just so sick of being called fat. The scales never go down either. I weighed myself before I ate and the weight just goes up and up, no matter how little I eat. I'm literally never gonna eat again. If I accomplish eating so little in a week and I don't lose any weight I'm gonna end it. I'm sick of being fat, I just can't do it anymore.

So next week we have ests which is basically 1 your exams for every subject except CERT which are for year 12 general students. I'm literally so stressed for everything. I'm gonna fail all of them, but I'm especially worried for photography, sport and health. So all of them except English and maths. If you didn't know maths is my strong point and also I know what's in the English and it's easy so I'm not worried. By the way, photography is my top mark as a B at 71% but we just do assignment which are mostly easy but the thing is we have to remember a lot of stuff as the subject is design photography so we have to remember everything about design and it's literally stressing me out so much.my brain doesn't let me remember anything that isn't interesting and it really sucks because it's gonna bring my grade down even though it's not good it my top mark and I'd like to at least get an A for once which is 80% for that class. So yesterday in class we were studying and I was doing work but we had a relief who me and my friends call tampon guy. It's our inside joke. Anyway so I was on my phone texting my mum as I felt sucks and he had a go at me so I shouted at him back saying IM TEXTING MY MUM BECAUSE IM ABOUT TO VOMIT IS THAT OK, and he was like you need to go to student services if you feel sick then and they will call your mum so I was like WELL SHES AT WORK ISNT SHE SO SHES NOT GONNA ANSWER, then he said something that I didn't hear and walked off. So I finished texting my mum and stormed out. I rushed to the toilets and cried. Usually I'd be sulking about missing my friend who's on the other side of the world but I had been holding everything in with the stress and my friend being gone, like everything had built up and my anger issues came out and that was the real first time I had shouted at a teacher. Anyway so I texted my friend about what happened and I texted the girl who sits next to me in that class and was like I don't wanna come back and she sent her friend over to get me. His name is Jacob by the way and he's the only person in my life, apart from my parents, who has ever called my gorgeous or pretty. He always swipes up on my selfies form Snapchat and always calls me gorgeous and I love him for that because no one else calls me nice things like him. If I didn't mention it he's gay so there's no chance of a relationship which I don't want cuz he's my friend but like no one ever calls me pretty so it's like I appreciate him a lot. Anyway so basically I'm so stressed for ests and I literally have been crying everyday because of it.

Also on Thursday I had work which was before the class incident, so I was even more stressed and I had cafe which makes me so anxious because there's so much pressure as you have to do well when you are closing up the cafe which is what I was going, so I was already anxious and the guy who had cafe before me left it in a complete pig sty, like even when I finish at 10 I stay back if it isn't finished. He finished at 5:15 and couldn't even clean it up a bit. Also he's a crew trainer so he's supposed to be really good but it was a complete mess. By the way I'm a neat freak so I need everything to be spotless. Anyway so that made matters worse and I was just crying for that whole shift. So that was fun.

Also yesterday my friends were like sort of bitching about me on our group chat that I'm fucking in and Chloe who moved to england asked Leanne if I'm actually sick and they were just basically talking about how I wasn't sick and I just wanted to go home because Leanne was and it just made me mad because I've been in such a shit mood for what feels like forever but these passed like two weeks have been the worst.

Anyway everybody stay alive except if your me then kill yourself because you don't deserve to be alive😊|-/