WARNING - STRONG LANGUAGE
I'm in such a fucking shit ass fucking mood. here's fucking why
Basically, there's these fucking 'popular' kids at school and they are called 'the cheer girls' because they are the popular ones of the cheer group, although some of them aren't in cheer they are friends with them. So these girls, they are fucking bitches and they always fucking bitch about everyone and I'm so sick of them because Chloe and I stay out of there way so they don't have a problem with us, but that didn't do shit because they still bitch about us and I'm so fucking sick of it because we don't do shit, we don't talk to them, we didn't look at them before, until they started bitching, and we don't do anything. They always fucking laugh at everyone and make fun of everyone and I'm so sick of it because people don't deserve to be treated like this.
Anyway since I haven't updated in a while I have some things to say.
Basically Chloe is moving to England, her place of birth and she was gonna move back in April but the other day I found out it might be sooner like the end of this year. Yesterday I found out they maybe moving in 3 months so in November which is really soon. It had gotten harder and harder everyday to hold in my tears during school but as soon as I finish school I bawl my eyes out and then when I finish work I bawl my eyes out for the rest of the night. It really sucks these feelings as well because I love her so much and every time I look at her it reminds me of what I don't have. I cry on the inside and sometime I do cry out loud but she just thinks it's because she's leaving. It's also because of that but I just can't help my feelings and it really sucks what they do to you. I'm gonna go into a different topic now before I start crying as I'm in class writing this.
Basically my my found out about my anxiety and took me to the doctors about a week and a half ago. The appointment started at 8:10am and we were there and the clock turned 8:10 and I was already freaking out but I started freaking out more when it turned 8:15 and the doctor hadn't called us yet. She finally called my mums name as she is my mums doctor. we went up to her and my mum said how it was me seeing her instead of my mum. she looked at me and I smiled in panic. We went in and she was like, "what's happening", or something like that. I turned to my mu and she said "do you want me to tell her?" and I just nodded. She told the doctor that I've been really anxious and that I have anxiety. Not being racist or anything, but the doctor was an Indian lady and I don't think she understood me when I said certain things for some reason. Anyway, the doctor asked how long has this been going on for and I turned to my mum once again and she said, "For a while, like a few years". She then asked what type is it and named a few and stopped when I said social. She then said, "so when you go out do you get anxious", i said yes and she said, "what about school", I said "when I go to school I'm fine, but when I'm in class I feel like everyone is looking at me", meaning that people look at me in judgement, but he looked at me really weirdly, I wanted to fucking cry. She then asked if I get any symptoms and I said shaking. Next she asked how my sleep is going and i replied with "I sleep through the night, but i go to sleep really late", and she didn't understand and said "so It's fine?" and I said "I go to sleep really late", she then asked what time and I said on school nights I go to sleep around 1 or 2am, and my mum made a really loud sighing noise because she was pissed that i go to bed that late. The doctor then wrote down a sleeping pill I should take every night, but only half of the tablet. She then printed out a health plan for me and while it was printing she asked "you don't feel depressed or anything do you" I said "yep" she then said "do you have any suicidal thoughts" an then i said "yep" again. This is the most embarrassing part of the whole appointment. My mum was like "SHE HAS CUT BEFORE AS WELL, BUT IT WASN'T THAT DEEP!" i wanted to fucking kill myself in that moment because the doctor was really surprised and said "oh". After that she explained that the health plan will help because the number for headspace is ok there and she said that I need to book it, for counselling. I then freaked out and was about to cry because I didn't want to go to counselling.
After the doctor visit we went to the chemist next door to get the sleeping tablets and mum showed the lady the name of it that the doctor gave us and she brought them out and mum said will they be fine to crush up as she isn't as good at taking tablets. She then brought out the capsule version of them and mum said that I only have to take half so we had to buy the normal version. My mum then asked what can we put them in and the lady said you can crush them up and put them in yoghurt and mum said "what about jam" and she said that's fine.
That night I was putting off having the tablet and my mum eventually called me to have it and I just talked to her and then walked off and she forgot about it. Then a few minutes later she had a full on go at me and told me to take it. I kept refusing but she kept nagging and yelling for me to take it. She then tried to force feed it to me by shoving it down my throat so I took it off her and every two seconds I would try taking it but I just couldn't. Then dad rang and was talking to me while I was bawling my eyes out. Mum then went to bed and was like "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING DIFFICULT!" So I talked to dad for a bit and eventually gave up trying to take it because it was so impossible for me and I couldn't take anymore shouting so I went to go to bed and my mum came out and was like "FUCKING TAKE IT WILL YOU" so I had a go at her and told her how hard it is for me and that she'll never understand. She then took my phone, my iPad and my laptop off me and I just watched he fault in our stars and cried all night until I fell asleep at like 12.
The next night I didn't even try taking the tablet I just got everything taken off me again and that night the maze runner: scorch trails was on and I watched that until 11.
Last night was really bad because my mum forced me to call headspace to talk to them on the phone and I think it's worse on the phone. I don't know why but I hate being on the phone with strangers. Anyway so I went into my room and mum thought I had call hen but I was freaking out texting my friends saying that I was supposed to be calling them. I eventually called thyme after a few minutes and they just got my details down. The person who helps was busy with a client so I had to wait and they said they would call back that afternoon or the next day which is today. I'm at school right now and I'm still waiting for the call and I'm probably gonna get it during class or work tonight.
So that's it for my update. I just wanted to let this off my chest all these feeling because it's been really hard for me lately with my best friend leaving. Although this is cringey it's true. She is also my first love and it's really hard knowing that I'm probably never going to see her again after I go on holiday there next year and that will be most likely the last time I see her for a few years or even ever. If you guys are struggling with anything just remember that you have music because that has helped me through this. Especially Twenty Øne Piløts, as they have been through hard times as well as everyone else. I just want to meet them so bad and thank them for what they've done and the music they've created because it has helped and saved a lot of people's lives.
Stay alive - Tyler Joseph
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Dealing with life!
RandomThis is a story about me and how i have dealt with life so far, in the seventeen years I have lived. WARNING: There will be swearing in this story but i will try to make it as minimal as possible.