Dealing with life!

Over it

I'm so over giving everything to someone and getting nothing in return. I help so much with everything, I help with homework and finish assignments, I offer to help with every class and I don't get one thank you. I said I would do your work and you just ignore that message and start complaining more when I said I could help.

I'm never good enough. I give you love, care and attention 24/7. You're all I have at school and the only person I can talk to at school and you talk to year 7's, year 11's and so many people in our year. You've gotten so popular talking to most of the football people and have so many people that you work with who you talk to and still complain that you have no one. Like you seriously do not understand how many people actually fucking care for you and would kill to hang out with you. Meanwhile I have you and only you and all you can do is ignore me and treat me like dirt. I'm so over it. You have everyone else so why shouldn't I leave. Like there's everyone else you'd rather talk to than me so there's no point in living and seeing a future with you. Traveling, living together, there's no point at even looking that far ahead when I know for a fact that when we finish school your never gonna message me. Just watch, I'll be lonely and not message you to see if you will ever message first, which I have done before, and just like before, it is gonna happen again. You will make the excuse that you have work, but you'll hang out with your boyfriend when you actually have time. Like I really get it, you love him, I know what it feels like to be in love, but a relationship will never happen, so yes I do understand that you'll wanna hang out with him, but what about me, what about me when I have no one. There's no doubt you'll hang out with other people when your boyfriends at uni so why not me. Am I not important, am I just this little friend that you into talk to in classes because you 'don't have any one else' when in reality the other people that you talk to have their own friends and you are too shy to sit with them even when they actually talk to you because you think they don't like you when you are such a loveable and funny person. The fact is you think you have no one when in fact you have everyone and anyone you want to talk to because everyone loves you, and when we get into arguments just because you are 'over my shit' when in reality you are just sick of pretending to be my friend, you talk shit about me to everyone who hated me in the first place and now just death stares me every time they see me.

I'm so over being treated like shit by everyone and even though that happens, I still stick up for the people I care about which is you and try my best to help you with what you need but you will never see the effort i put in to stay friends with you because I actually care. You can never see how much everyone actually cares and it's frustrating because we all love you.

Rant over.

Update.
I started cutting up my arms again because it's more painful and hurts a lot more than my legs. I feel the sting as I drag the razor accords my skin and feel it ripping my skin until it bleeds. It feels so good even though I shouldn't be doing it. I should be drawing on myself or using a hair band to flick myself which is what my therapist says but it's so hard to do that when your in so much emotional pain. So anyways, I cut up my arm and I had dance yesterday where I had to wear no sleeves as I had an assessment and I know the girls in my group saw because I had to dance properly but they didn't say anything, thank god. Today I had dance again but I had my jacket on and rolled up my sleeves while dancing cuz I got hot and beaded I was dancing I didn't think anyone would realise because we were concentrating but I was being cautious just in case. Well anyway, we finished the dance and my friend came rushing up to me trying to tune my arm over without saying anything so I rolled down my sleeve and started to cry a bit. She was like, r u ok, r u ok and everyone started to look over so I pushed her away and the teacher asked r u ok and I sucked my tears back in and said yes I am ok. We continued dancing and I could tell she told her friend, they were whispering quietly away from everyone. At the end of the class, we were the only two in the change rooms and she was like r u ok and I said yeah and walked off. Then one of the girls who is in my group dance held the door open for me even though I was ages away. I thought it was strange at first and then realised she's in my group and most likely saw when we were dancing and I freaked out. I just shrugged it off and was mostly worrying about the other girl who definitely saw my arm. 2 periods later we had health and she was in my class and at the end she came up to me and was like I love you and I just ignored her cuz I felt awkward and didn't want to nearly cry again. She said it again and I said ok because I felt awkward because she knows I'm bi and I didn't want her to think I meant it that way which I don't anyway.

Yeah so lately my days have been concentrating on hiding my arm and focusing on school work and not the drama as I have 3 weeks left of work because I finish school for ever. I've been going through phases where I don't wanna leave and break down because I'm gonna miss all the boys that make the classes funny and enjoyable, but then I get in moods where I'm so fucking over it and I just wanna die and not bother with school work. But then I think, I don't have much longer so I'll try my best to get my best grades.

I had my last sport test yesterday which is not my worst subject but the worst I do in tests and I find the hardest, so I'm glad that's over. I have one more maths test and I have another English speech to do which I've done in year 9 as we have to do a valedictory speech and I'm most likely not gonna do it. I have a health assignment due tomorrow and I think I have one more after that. Then I have one more photography assignment which I am so I've because it's the same shit every time and the teachers hate me so I fucking hate that class, also because I don't have my friend there. I also have a dance competition and performance. I'm really dreading the performance but I'm really excited because we do it every year but this is my last year and we get a yellow rose for graduating and I'm gonna bawl my eyes out but I bawl my eyes out every year because my dance teacher in year 8 died while giving birth which she was so excited for end we mention her every year which i cry at. Although I'm not the closest and best friends with all the dance girls, we are all a close group and have so much fun together and it's gonna be so hard leaving them because although I hate school, dance makes me the happiest person because we have lots of laughs and are all so close and I love those girls with all my heart. It's gonna be so hard leaving them but I know the girls will live their best lives and we will all live on in the teachers spirit.

That was sappy but true. Sorry about that rant, I love you guys even if I don't know you. Please stay alive ||-//