Dealing with life!

Addiction

It's becoming an addiction. I can't stop myself anymore. Every time I do it, I realise that it is an addiction that I just can't stop.
Today I did it twice. The first time was to release the anger. I was getting yelled at once again, by my parents. When they were yelling at me I yelled back and of course that caused more drama. My dad yelled back and I said "I'm just gonna kill myself then", and it went silent. I did my job and walked off. I then slid the razor across my leg on top of the scars I had made about a week earlier. I then ran out of room and thought, 'I better stop'. Then my dad came in demanding to use my charger and I freaked out as I was watching YouTube videos on coming out and cutting at the same time. I quickly hid my leg and razor under my covers and went back onto my home page. It was terrifying. If you don't know, I am not yet out as myself (bisexual) to my dad, and to think that I have to come out to him is terrifying especially after I found out he tried to vote no on same-sex marriage in Australia before my mum stopped him.
Anyway, I just hopped out of the shower and saw a more expensive sharper razor on the ledge and I was trying so hard to fight the urge. I reached out and stopped myself. I didn't grab it. I couldn't help myself. I grabbed it and put it to the skin on my arm and rested it there for a second. I had to do it. It's like when you just want food and you can't stop yourself even though you aren't hungry. So I slid it across my arm a tiny bit and kept doing it until I could feel the sting of the slice. I kept doing it, but only little ones. I just needed that sensation, the sting, the tingle of the skin cutting open. I stopped after I realised it would look suspicious. I can't take anymore paranoia, if people looking at my arm.

Anyway. That's all for today. I want you guys to know that if you have an addiction you need to at least come to terms with yourself that it is an addiction.
Stay alive | - /!