Dealing with life!

Worthless

Now I know I have said this many many times, but this time I am almost 100% certain that this is almost the worst news I could ever hear. I really know I shouldn't be saying this because I got told not to, but I'm not gonna name names, so don't worry. So I heard today that my friend almost attempted to commit suicide, a bit ago. Just writing that sentence made me burst out into tears. Like just imagine if it actually happened and it succeeded I would literally be dead right now if it did. I honestly don't know how I would live without this person in my life. Especially because I know that it would be my fault that it happened. I always seem to cause shit, I always seem to be the one to fuck shit up. It's always me. Like I'm just imagining if I didn't walk into my friends lives. Those two would still be friends and there wouldn't be any drama because they wouldn't be wondering like, who is the most liked, who is left out of the equation or even why is she even hanging out with us. Like I know that you guys just pretend to care, and pretend to be friends with me, but honestly I just want honesty. I can't deal with being lied to, especially when it's my fault. I just know that everything is always my fault.

Moving on. I know that I am worthless, I know that I don't deserve to be here with all the shit I have caused with my existence, but I'm just holding onto every little thing that can keep me going. I'm so lazy, tired, exhausted, and I don't want my last effort to be killing myself. I want to have my first kiss, lose my virginity, like there's so much stuff I want to do before I die, but at the same time I don't even care anymore, it's not like anyone is gonna love me anyway. Maybe my last effort should be taking my life away, so no ones eyes have to break anymore when they look at me. I feel like I have damaged so many peoples eyes and brains with the image of me being in their heads. I'm actually being serious if you didn't guess. I'm just so sick of looking in the mirror and being disgusted, like even when I'm wearing a cake load of makeup, it just doesn't help. I know, I know, what's on the inside that counts, then why the fuck, have I never had a real relationship, like an actual relationship, where in the end, I found out, the person never loved me in the first place.

I know people say killing yourself is selfish, but I find that a lot of people also say, you should make yourself happy for a change and stop trying to make everyone else happy, which seems to be what is happening these days. People say it's selfish because they think, why would they do that to the people that love them. Well how can I do that when no one loves or cares for me. I now want my last effort to be killing myself, because I know it will be worth it, instead of my whole life being worthless.

Here is a poem about being worthless because that's all I know how to write since I know a whole lot about being worthless.

Worthless,
I know that I am worthless.
Is it because my face looks like clown, like a circus.
I know I shouldn't be alive but,
It's just easier to cut,
Into my skin and slice it open,
As it is how I am coping.
It's helps me release my anger,
Otherwise my body ways down like an anchor.
It's what I have to do to survive,
And sometimes I just want to drive and drive,
Until I reach a cliff.
I take a whiff,
Of the air from up high,
It just feels like I could fly.
I Jump off,
And I take my last breath and cough,
I hold my nose and start falling,
As I'm bawling.
No one can save me now,
I wonder how,
My life could lead to this.
The fast air rushing beside me is bliss,
As I'm falling and SPLAT to the ground,
My life is worthless,
My life was worthless!

Stay alive everyone | - /