Dealing with life!

Update - jealousy

Before we get into the jealousy stuff, I wanna talk about the positive things that have happened in my life. It is sort of a positive but it's not really that great. So I came out to a few close friends. For the people that don't know I am bisexual and on the weekend I came out to a few close friends of mine that I think should know that aspect of my life.

Moving on, so today was a shitty day because two of the people I came out to, were at school obviously and I had dance first period and when I walked in she came up to me and hugged me tight and said I'm so proud of you and everyone around us just looked at us weirdly but I know they wouldn't know so I didn't really care but I was still a little embarrassed that she knew because for the whole dance class I felt like I couldn't look at people or laugh at their jokes otherwise I felt like this girl would think I would like the girl I was looking at or laughing with or whatever. So basically the whole time I was looking down or at the dance teacher who was a girl which was also embarrassing because I still kept thinking that this girl I came out to would judge me, but I had to learn the dance anyway so I just kept trying to learn.

The next thing that happened today was really scary because I was so close to breaking down in class because of it. I haven't really talked about this topic yet on my story I don't think and it's a really scary thing to think about because it's about my mum and I just love her so much even though I act like I hate her because she doesn't give a shit about me, I still love her because she is my mum. Anyway, so today in health we have to write a fake letter to someone about some issues to do with young people or something. So the teacher said we have to choose something we are passionate about and he listed a bunch of things we could write about. I first thought about doing the lgbtq+ community but I always do that for a lot of assignments about stuff like this so I decided to branch off and the example letter we got, the girl was writing about her mum and her condition endometriosis and how it has no proper cures and how the treatment medication to stop the pain is shit or something like that so I started thinking about my mum and how there are no cures for her condition Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and i thought I should write about it. I asked the teacher if it was fine and he said yeah and then he asked me do I have a relative with it and I said yes and my eyes started welling up as I was getting emotional and I was so close to bawling my eyes out. My mums MS isn't really that bad but doctors have to take blood tests from her every month to see if it is getting worse and it could just hit randomly, like she could just start spiralling down and she could eventually stop walking, talking and other human bodily functions. It scares me a lot but I never talk about how it's affecting me because I don't want it to get to my mum. I'm trying to act like a moody teenager so she doesn't become worried about me and how I'm worried about her. I'm really trying to stay strong for her but I can't help but jump to the worst conclusion. This MS is taking effect on my mum and all the doctors are doing is making her take tablets everyday to lower her risks of getting really bad symptoms. Basically the symptoms my mum has had before is blurry vision, which was the way we kind of found out about it as she was driving my sister and her friends home from adventure world which is like a 40 minute drive and she had to pull over as she couldn't see properly. Another symptom is weak legs, my mum has also experienced this as one time she couldn't even lift her leg up onto the curb, causing her to fall over and break her leg somehow. She also has and is still experiencing depression as another symptom which makes me feel like shit because I know it's the symptoms causing her depression but I feel like it makes her feel worse because ever since me and my other two siblings have started high school I feel like we just are so mean to her as I feel like she works as a single parent as my dad works 8 days working in the mine and 6 days at home which I know is really hard on her as she is already depressed and we just add to the stress of her painful working experiences, as she cleans 8 hours a day, 4 days a week and I know she gets stressed as we are really poor at the moment as we are going to England for the first time as her family is over there and I feel like she wants to see them before she gets bad. Anyway sorry for rambling, I just feel like us kids add to the stress of work and money problems and I feel really bad but most of the time we stay in our rooms but when we are out in the lounge, we cause her more stress. Also I feel like I contribute a lot to that stress and she knows I cut but she doesn't do anything about it but I feel like she is secretly worried but I don't know because she knows I get  social anxiety yet doesn't do anything about it yet she put my dad on medication for his anxiety which I didn't even know he had. Anyway, she has also experienced a lot of back pains as she works as a cleaner. Basically I'm really worried about my mum as I really really really don't want her condition to worsen as it literally scares me to death and I don't know what to do because I wanna move out next year and I mean she had dad but he has to work and provide for the family so I'm just really upset about that at the moment on top of a lot of other stuff.

Another thing is I feel like I really need to update my suicide note I wrote a while ago because it hasn't happened yet but I'm getting to the point where I just can't be bothered with life anymore and I don't really care about anything and I just really don't wanna be alive anymore because I know no one will care when I leave because everyone just bitches about me anyway so if I update it I will hopefully stop being a pussy bitch and finally actually kill myself because I know it will be good for everyone.

Moving on, I hate being a jealous bitch. I just wish I could not be jealous of other people's life all the time. I just feel like everyone around me has a better life than me. Basically, I had sleepovers on the weekend with one of my best friends and her new best friend, because all she wants to do is hang out with her, so I can't stop her for wanting to not hang out with me and hang out with her instead, so I went over there as I was invited because they probably but probably don't feel sorry for me as I have no one else but I went because I don't have any one else. Anyway, so we were driving somewhere and the topic of sex came up and every time they talk about boyfriends and all that I get so jealous because I've never had my first kiss and I've never even been in a proper relationship, not just a serious one, but like just not a proper one because the people I have dated I broke up with them or they broke up with me because turns out they never liked me in the first place, so that's great. Anyway so in this car ride, one of my best friends who was there was talking about her boyfriend and her new best friend said you two are probably gonna do it soon aren't you, and jealous bitch me jumped in and said you better not otherwise I'll be angry and my best friend said what age should I lose my virginity then and I was like 20 and she just looked at me like I'm an absolute twat because I am. I just blurted that out because I'm a jealous bitch and I try to stop and don't say anything but just talking about or mentioning relationships or kissing or anything just makes me want to cut so bad so I'm just focusing on the pain in my leg rather than the feelings inside and it makes me so frustrated when I can't because I really jus Rwanda walk away but I don't. Anyway so I know that friend bitches about me behind my back saying that it's not my business or whatever and that I shouldn't be saying what age she needs to lose it but I was just joking obviously I'm gonna try and be happy for her when it happens but I feel like she just doesn't take into consideration that I have never had a proper relationship in my life and that weighs on me because it makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do every time something like that is mentioned. Like every time I say I'm ugly she says no your not when I know she's lying because I'm the ugliest thing on the planet but it's just hard to think that I'm pretty when no one except a gay boy at my school has called me pretty, like how is he supposed to know when a girl is pretty, he's fucking gay. Also she would never know what it's like to be the ugliest thing on the planet when she is gorgeous. I also feel like even more shit as well as I feel like she is gonna lose her virginity tomorrow as she finishes school early tomorrow and is seeing him and I just want to bawl my eyes out because I know it's never gonna happen to me and even by the time we are 40 I'm still never gonna have been in a relationship or even kissed someone because no one will ever find me attractive.

Anyway, stay alive people | - /