Dealing with life!

Again

So...
Since my last chapter a lot has changed. My best friends is moving away although I wouldn't call her that at the moment as we are in a mini argument because she reckons no one cares and that no one gives a shit but to be honest I love her to bits and not just as a friend and she knows that. It sees me so upset to see her down like this and it just makes me so devastated that she thinks I don't care about her. That no one cares but I do. I care about her and when she moves it's gonna be so hard for me to keep the will to live. I just won't be able to do it. I will have no one at all and I know that so selfish of me but I just want her in my life and I want to be able to see her everyday even if it means going to school. I'm trying to stay positive because she's here. She's still here but with family life getting worse it's really hard for me. Anyway, this wasn't why I wrote this chapter.

I did it again. I had to. I needed to. It's been a really long time. A while, but I needed the relief, the pain, the stinging sensation. I let myself down by doing this because I always regret it. I don't regret the cutting. I regret that my mum will see it and she will have a full on go at me. I always like to see my my bare skin with no cuts after they've healed (apart from my old ones which won't ever heal). I like to see that I've done time without self harm but this time it was hard not to with everything going on. Losing everyone, like everyone. I have no one left. So yeah I did cut, although I regret it I like the pain that I get when I move my leg or I stretch in dance because it makes me stop thinking and forget everything. So here's why I did it.

So one of the reasons is one of my "best friends" is I feel like leaving me. I think I've briefly talked about this before but every time she calls me it's to talk about this guy she has a thing with. After she's done talking about him and complaining about her friends she makes an excuse and hangs up. People say that if you have had a best friends for longer than 7 years 80% of those friendships last forever but I think that our friendship is one of those 20%. I'm so sick of her not being there for me when I wanna talk because she always interrupts me when I'm talking, but I'm used to that, but not from her, she used to be really nice and understanding but when she gives me a chance to talk she says how I'm in the wrong and why and I'm just sick of it. It started this year because as she is a year older than me she is in year 12. So this year she started going to party's and drinking and now she is getting drunk. I never though she would turn out to be one of those girls because she was always so super nice and she was from England so she was brought up "poshly" I guess and she was always so polite but ever since she goes to party's everything has changed.

The next thing is family. So family was always strict but it's gotten to the point where it's ridiculously stupid. Like the thing that happened yesterday it was part strict but it was so disgusting because my fucking own fucking mother was perving on me. So basically what happened was my mum was cleaning out the bathroom and she literally watched my sister and I fucking shower so she could hand us the things to use and she didn't even go away after fucking handing it to us because she thinks we will just get the full one instead and use that because apparently we aren't responsible and won't use up the shower and hair products properly.

This next topic is something that makes me so mad because I thought that the person I told would understand as she goes through the same thing. So it all started today. I had work and I got there and my manager asked if I can do the party but it seemed like she says I have to do it so I said "are you kidding" in a sad voice and she said you and Madi (my sister) are the only ones who know how to do it and she said you can ask her so I try to ask her and then I started crying and she had a go at me, keep in mind she is younger than me, and she was like "WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" and I was like "you know I have social anxiety" and she was like whatever so I went into the girls bathroom and started crying 10 million and this lady that I hate asked if I was ok and I just said yep and then this popular girl from school called Adele came in and I was like shit so I stopped crying and she asked "do you have to do the party?" And I was like "YEP" in a pissed tone and she laughed and then I went out and was like "Madi please" and she got pissed and was like "fine" but she had to do it by herself so she was even more pissed and then they said don't worry because someone wanted to learn so they taught her and everything was good. During the middle of me crying in the bathroom, I texted my friends and this is what really pissed me off. So I told them what happened and when I got home I saw that my best friend said cool and how she was upset all day and it made my really annoyed because she has anxiety too and I thought she would comfort me like she normally does so I got annoyed and it made me really angry so I didn't answer any of the message me after except for one. My other friend said she would rather do that than a 7 and 1/2 hour shift and deal with customers telling her what to do. This is where I get really annoyed. I then said I wouldn't and she replied with I would. Like I know it's her opinion and all but she doesn't have the right to say that when she knows how hard it is for my other friends and I to deal with anxiety so it made me really mad and I still am. This gets me to my next topic.

Leanne is pissing me off as shit. So basically lately it's made me really annoyed because I hear all this shit about her and how she bitches about me and it's not just once it's all the time. Like I'm just so sick of her and every other one of my friends turning on me except Chloe. We have had our ups and downs but she is always there for me. It's not gonna be lone until she leaves to move far away and I will have no one. Anyway, back to Leanne, basically these days she never talks to Chloe and I. Like she's always talking to these other two people. If I'm alone with one of here other two people it's fine. I will talk to them and they will be nice about it but when they are with Leanne they will all ignore me. Like in sport Leanne and this other girl always talk, always leave me out and I'm just sitting there alone and depressed like always, usually drowned in my own thoughts. Yeah so that's that topic.

I'm honestly so sick of life but I'm not gonna complain anymore because others have it worse and I know that certain people will tell me that after reading this.

Off the topic of depression I've just seen that I've got 1k reads on my 'the man of my dreams' story. If you guys read that story thank you so much for the reads and if you don't check it out. If your looking for something long don't read it though because it's very short and it's almost finished.