You [l.h]

Chapter 24 : Try

"You don't have to apologise to him, Lily. You've done nothing wrong. It's his fault for choosing that bi--girl over her sister." I glared at her before she could say the word.

"I still don't think I should have been mad at him. We're basically nothing so I have no rights to do it."

"Wait. You don't want to apologise to him. You want to meet him, don't you?" Her question shocked me.

"What are you talking ab-"

"You want to meet him." She cut me off. "You miss him. You want to talk to him about this. You want to find solutions to whatever this is going on between you two. Am I right or am I right?"

I didn't realise until she said it. I admit it I do miss him. A lot. How can I not? Why does this have to happen to us anyway? How can Carla now get him back after everything she's done? While me? What the fuck did I do wrong even? What have I done to deserve him being away from me now? Why is this so unfair?

It was fine before her.

Why can't I just hate him like how I did the first time I met him? Everything would have been easier for both of us. No one would get hurt, no one would feel disappointed.
And now what can I change? I can't change my feelings.. I can't hate him no matter how much I want to right now. I can't forget him. I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop feeling sad. I can't stop my feelings from growing up for him.

"Lily, look. It's okay. It's okay not to feel okay right now. Of course it's hard for you, of course you miss him. I understand that. But I hate to see you like this. It's been a while since you met him, been a while since you started noticing your feelings for him, and it's been a while since you guys stopped talking. Everything happened so fast. Everything can change so fast. But your feelings.. are an exception. They can't change in a while. But you have time. You know you have time to get your feelings changed. This may hurt for him too, but you see. He's taking care of someone else now. He's with her. We don't know if he'd ever go back to you. Or try to get things back to how they used to be. I never wanted to say this but.. you should try to forget him, Lily. You can get yourself busy, you can do many things. Work, study, hang out with me and have fun. You should distract your mind to get him off it. Don't try to meet him or go anywhere near him. You should at least give it a try. It's for yourself in the end, Lily. And hopefully things will be okay."

I know Emily can always soothe me. She can always say things that I need to hear when I'm feeling down. But in all honesty, I don't agree with what she just said. I know that I should do something. I can't let things stay like this. I feel shit I want to talk to him. And I will. Even if it's going to be the last time, I will talk to him.

I'm sorry, Emily. I think I can't listen to you this time.

To : Luke
From : Lily

Hey, Luke. I need to talk to you about something. Can we meet at 3 today? At the park that we went to with Helen that day. I'll explain everything to you later. I'll be waiting.

I waited for his reply but it never came. Then after some time, I went to see if my message had been read by him yet and yes it has. But he still didn't reply though. I sent him the message at 10:02 AM and he read it at 10:25 AM and now it's 11:23 AM but he didn't send anything in reply.
Maybe he just can't reply. At least he's read my message. I don't want to have any negative thoughts in my mind so I just put my phone into my bag and start walking to my next class.

~

It's been an hour and he hasn't come yet. What is this? He read my message but not replied. And now he's not coming to meet me.  What's happening? Is he okay? Did something somehow happen to him? My God why can't I just have a positive mind?

Should I call him?

I got my phone out of my pocket and dialed his number.

The number you are calling is currently out of ...

"Calm down, Lily." I took a deep breath and sighed. "Everything is okay. He's alright. Let's just go to his place and see if he's there then you can talk to him."

I walk to the apartment building he's living in. It's like 7 minutes walk from this park.

Getting myself closer to his apartment, I felt nervous.

I rang the doorbell and waited for Luke or Helen to open the door for me. I was waiting impatiently as I tried to keep ringing the bell.

No one's home.

I turned my body to walk out but what I saw made me stop my pace.

Him.. with her.. again. Holding hands.

I felt my face burning and my heart tighten inside my chest. I didn't know that this could hurt so much seeing them together.

I look right into his eyes. They hold so much emotions that I can't really tell what's going on in his mind right now. But one thing for sure, he looks surprised. Well yeah who would have thought that I would come again when they're having a moment together?
Then I moved my gaze to his hand. I could see Clara tighten her grip on Luke's hand, as if she was afraid that it would slip out of hers.

I couldn't say anything. Not even an excuse. My mind just can't process anything. I want to walk away. I want to go home and sleep. I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't want to care.

There's no use of waiting for him to say a thing because I know he would never speak. I took a glance to his eyes for one last time before I made my step towards the elevator.

I don't know how to describe my feelings right now. I feel.. disappointed. Mad. Sad. Stupid. I had the intention to fix things between me and him. I texted him but he didn't reply. I called him but he didn't pick up. I waited for him but he didn't come. I went to his place but he wasn't there. And when I finally met him, he was with her.

I let out a heavy sigh.

I walked into my room and laid myself down in my bed. I should have listened to Emily. I really thought that this would work. I thought I could talk to him and sort things out. Because everytime I try to remember the look on his face that night when we had a conversation about getting away from each other, I know that he doesn't want this. And he even said it to me. He made it clear. But what is this now? Has he spent that much time with her that he's fine with everything now?

A tear made an escape from my eye.

I tried. I tried to do what my mind and heart told me to. I didn't listen to Emily because I knew I didn't want to do what she told me. I know that I want him back. I know that being away isn't what I want. I didn't want things to stay like this so I tried to meet him and talk to him.
I want to know his point of view. I want to know how he sees this. I want to know what he's feeling right now. I want more of his explanation. I really want to talk to him. I need to. But why does he always show up with her?

Is it my fault or his?

Am I breaking my own self down or is he?

What happened today made me realise that I can't always get what I want. I can't always do what I want. Maybe now I should do what Emily told me to do. I should.. forget him. I should get busy, get my mind distracted.

I should be happy.