You [l.h]

Chapter 25 : She Deserves It

Luke's POV

Everything is getting worse even before I start fixing a thing.

I have my reason, Lily. I have the reason as to why I didn't reply to your message, why I didn't come to meet you. I don't want to meet you now. Not before things get clear. I need to find out Clara's real intention. I need to know what she's up to and what she wants to do with me. I want to meet you when things are finally settled so we can go back to the way we were.. although maybe we weren't a thing back then. But I want to be with you and I want us to be happy. I'm so sorry that I made you feel so bad today. But I promise things will get better soon.

It's sad to know that I can only say that to myself when I want her to be the one who listens to it all.

"So, Luke." Her voice woke me up from my thoughts. "What is it that you want to talk about?"

"I don't really know where to start. Give me some time." I said.

"Take your time, baby."

Ugh. I even hate how it sounds when it comes from her mouth.

"I met Michael today." I looked at her face and it looked kind of surprised. As if she knew what I would come up with after mentioning his name.

I then looked away and continued, "He came to talk about you. There are two points." I didn't bother to look at her face while explaining. "T-then what?" She asked. "First, he talked about that time before you left to Paris. What you confessed to him, what you told him about your feelings and everything. From the look you're having on your face right now, I'm sure you remember it all well so I don't have to remind you about it again now." I noticed that she was trying to say something but she didn't anyway.

"Do you want to say something or should I continue?" I asked.

"Um-yeah. Keep going."

I told her everything. Everything that Michael told me. "Luke, let me explain-" she said but I cut her off. "No. I'm not done yet."

"Clara. Do you think it's right to do what you did that day and what you're doing now? That day, you were making a big decision. You had to choose something over the other thing. You chose to chase your dream and left me behind. But I loved you, Clara. If it was your decision to leave me for your dream then I'd be fine with it. But of course we needed to talk first. You couldn't just leave like that when you knew that you'd be away for a very long time. But you did. Have you ever thought of what I felt? Do you know how hard it was for me to live my life when my love wasn't there anymore? You were selfish. You did a really big mistake by not letting me talk to you before you left. It wouldn't have been this bad if only you cared enough to talk to me. And now when I have finally moved on, when I finally found someone that I feel comfortable with, you came back. Saying that you want to fix everything between us, saying that you still love me and that you still want me. This isn't how it's supposed to go. You can't just leave and come back after years expecting me to accept you that easy. I must admit that.. I don't want you anymore, Clara. I can't give you any chance."

"But why? You did love me, Luke. Is it that easy for you to forget all the feelings you had for me?" Her voice is shaking. I can tell that she's nearly crying.

"It was not easy. At all. I just told you that. It was so hard for me, Clara. It was so hard to the point that I thought I couldn't make you happy. That I wasn't important to you at all. It was hard to the point that I wish I could never fall in love with anyone ever again. But time passed by. You were away for like what? Three years? Four? I chose not to stay feeling shit over those years. I've ruined my life enough."

"Am I too late, then?" She's looking down at her feet. I can't stand seeing people sad like this but I have to be honest with her. I have to end this. "I don't want to keep blaming you." I said. "I want you to move on too. I want you to make friends and find someone that will love you more than anyone else will do. I can't continue whatever this is that we're doing right now, Clara. I.. I can't stay away from Lily any longer. I've hurt her enough. I don't even know how to start talking to her after everything I've put her through. I want you to understand that a relationship won't work if there's only one person out of the two people in it who has love. I don't have love for you anymore."

She lifts her head up to face me. "That's.. enough for me to hear. I understand now, Luke. I am too late. I'm too late to fix everything. I'm sorry that I wasn't honest with you in the past. I just couldn't find courage to say what I wanted to say to you." Tears start streaming down her cheeks. "I'll go now. I'm sorry for getting you into this. I love you, Luke. I can't stand seeing you with someone else. But I know this is wrong. And I'm sorry for that."

"You don't have to apologise that much. I can understand." I said.

She wiped all the tears off her face. She then looked at me again and sigh, "Lily must be so lucky to be loved by you. Because I felt so lucky when you loved me back then." She smiled, "Make her happy, Luke. She deserves it." She grabbed her bag and walked out of my flat.

That was hard but now I'm feeling so relieved. She was hurting even when she smiled, I could tell. But even if she stayed with me, she wouldn't be happy. I can't give her anything because I want to give all what I have to Lily. Because as Clara said, she deserves it.

One problem solved. Now I have to talk to Lily to make things clear. I know this won't be easy. I don't know if I can make her talk to me but I'll do my best to get her back.