DAYS OF SUMMER ( Either Moving On Or Giving Up )

One

"I've long to meet you,

But you never try to do something,

Are you trying to let me go?"

-Summer Lucia's music piece page 8

The wind bristles against me. I can feel it in my skin. I like to ditch everything just to feel the wind. It can be said that the wind pretty much has impact with me. How could a small bristle of wind can make a huge impact in person's life.

The wind touches my long hair for I lean up to feel everything.

Everything that I have lost for I am not strong enough to lift myself up and I need people to help me. In the end, I drag them down.

That's an irony of my life.

It had passed Spring, but my heart couldn't let go of everything in Last Winter.

It's Summer now. I wonder, what will happen in this Summer? Can I actually pass this Summer being just fine?

I look around at the ground under me. They say it's easy for a person like me to just jump. But I don't think I could actually do that, just jump like there aren't anything behind me. Well, mostly just people whom actually I think that they can survive without me.

I look at up the sky full of clouds? Can people actually count the clouds?

Sometimes I wonder if there is actually a place behind the clouds, place without sorrow, only with joys.

But there aren't any place in the earth that don't have sorrow inside them.

The earth is filled with people I hate the most. The people who leave others. They think that they do it because they have to for they can't take it anymore. But they never think about the people who's left behind. They feel pain.

Pain easily creates sorrow.

There you go, now you have sorrow that will actually fill up your mind. Don't think that it will actually stay at that condition. Your life will soon become a mess when the depression kicks in.

It's hard to treated in.

You have to feel love for it. But if you actually think you're left behind, you won't casually remember every love you get. Actually you can't really count the love. But in your mind, you don't deserve any love.

Love is expensive as it's only for people who deserve and afford it.

I stare at the bracelet for a moment. Is this actually love? You get the lovely and precious moment about it, but you also feel sad because of the pain of it?

They say loving can do anything. But can it actually save and heal you?

"Is everything okay?"

Somehow I hear it from the sky. I don't know who actually asks it.

I pull out my phone. As I always hope for, the sound of cold robot says, "You can't reach me." There are eighty seven outgoing calls but there aren't actually any answers.

It's too pathetic.

I shouldn't be doing this. But lately, that's I have been doing.

I keep wondering for how long I'll be this way. Or will I become worst? They say I could go worst. I just have to count on my days. Days to my health. If I don't recover soon, they say I will go mad. An actual mad.

I smile when I see my brother's car stride in. It's time to actually go home. I've longed to go home since I awoke. Hospital is just , how to say it ? It's a place I hate the most. Even though I go round and round to hospital, that doesn't mean I actually enjoy being here. Hospital is colorless.

Simple beige and white.

The hospital gown actually make me cringed.

Sometimes I hope I won't end here for the rest of my life. Living outside, but actually coming again to hospital only to be trapped by pills and medications.

I've seen people who lived that way. Suffering is the key of the life.

It's scary though. Although I think I'm very healthy, but I think I have a possibility to end here. Maybe not in place for cancer, but a place for crazy people maybe?

Who actually knows?

I shiver at that thought. I know I shouldn't think of it. But I can't help to know about it. I'm afraid that they're actually right. Maybe my mind is not healthy.

Just thinking about that right now, I somehow think that I shouldn't think about any of these thoughts. Counting the clouds, looking for another joyful place, jumping down. Those are forbidden.

My phone beeps. This time I could see a light from it. It's time to face the world.