DAYS OF SUMMER ( Either Moving On Or Giving Up )

Thirty One

My hand is shaking when I bring my violin into backstage. Everyone looks so ready and professional. I hope I still can do it. I practiced yesterday. I'll be fine.

I smile to another competitor who's sitting beside me. "Hey, I'm Summer."

"I'm Amanda. Nice to meet you, Summer." It's obviously she's so nervous. Her body is shivering.

"Good luck," I say. "I hope the best for us"

My name is being called and I know I'm ready. This is the moment I always want it. I know I should do this.

Everyone is always nervous and so am I, but that doesn't meant I'll let myself down.

I smile when I come into the stage. There are many audiences and there are three judges looking so grim. I exhale the oxygen around me. I can do this. I can put aside my nerve.

"Contestant Summer Lucia," the female judge calls my name.

I bow down. On the corner of my eyes I can see Moon, Aunt Christa, and Hana waving at me with a phone in Moon's hand. Nana and Gramps will watch me from there. In Aunt Christa's hand, there's a camera to record me. I smile. Everyone is waiting for this, just the same as I always do.

I can do this. I promise Ren I'll win. I promise Oliver that I can win. And I'll show everyone that every Hara's children can be success.

I bow down once again. Then I lift my violin and start to play it. I play the song about how my mom fell in love with Sail in the Summer. I was born as the name of Summer. The song is about joy for a second. Then I move on into telling everyone about the sorrow when both Sail and mom left me. It's so sad and I'm angry. I'm lost.

Then the sorrow when mom really left the world, it's the feeling of guilt not telling her how much I love her. Then the song starts to become soft as I remember Ren, gramps, nana, Moon, Aunt Christa, Hana. Their loves for me.

The sweet feeling when I meet Oliver. How I love him, but cannot tell him. Then he left.

I pause a bit. Looking at the audiences who are looking sad just as the song. But I smile. This is how I end it.

I close my eyes when I start thinking about Jake. Weird feeling, but somehow it's warm. How I actually fall into him. Because I realize. I will always love Oliver. I'll always admire him. But it's different with Jake. He's never been Oliver. He's Jake who told me about his secrets. I fall into him without admiring him at all. I guess, I fall in love with his flaws.

I open my eyes, then starts to the hook. This hook tells me about everything. Depression, but it's warm. I always forgot something. It doesn't matter if someone doesn't love you back. You have enough love to love everyone.

My happiness is complete now. Actually, it's always been complete, but meeting Jake completes everything. He sure is the missing melody even how bad it turns out for our relationship. He's the one who made me realize that I don't have to search for loves because they are always there.

I am breathless when I'm done. The audience claps hard, many even give me a standing ovation. The judges clap too. But I know I still haven't impressed them. But I realize it's never too late. I still can do the audition if I fail.

I smile. It's finally over for depression time.

(***)

Moon is so proud of me. He keeps smiling on the entire ride. Aunt Christa could not stop looking at the video. Hana is still little. She just says that she loves my song.