The Bucket List

guess who

"Who was that?" Kevin asks, even though I already know he knows, because noticed him snooping otherwise. Plus, he wouldn't have asked me if he didn't already know it was Jack.

"Nobody..." I respond, but he glares at me. "I don't know what to do." I say, "what if he does like me?"

"Well, you don't have to talk to him for a month." He says, "because we're leaving in less than two days."

"And, in the meantime I could post a few cute pictures of us so maybe he'll get the memo?"

"That's always an option."

"And if he doesn't?"

"You just gotta tell him straight up."

"You know I don't like to hurt people."

"You made the mess, you clean it up."

"Maybe I'll just wait it out."

"What do you mean?"

"I think you know what I mean." I say, referring to my death.

"Morgan..." He says, his voice trailing off. "You can't keep talking like that. You don't understand how it makes me feel." I think about this for a second.

"I guess I don't. Tell me."

"What?"

"Tell me how it makes you feel."

"You know I'm not the kind of person who...talks about their feelings or whatever."

"Oh please," I say, "don't think I forgot two days ago when you broke down into full tears."

"And that's exactly it." He says. "I know I cried. I honestly don't cry a lot, but only the worst things in life make me cry."

"So now I'm the worst thing in you life?" I say, laughing.

"What? No... I meant that when your life was jeopardised because of me. You dying would be the worst thing that's ever happened to me."

"What about your sister?" I ask.

"I didn't understand what had happened to her. I only knew her for a little while. My parents gradually led me into it. You're different. You're more meaningful. I don't remember the first year that I had known her. I never saw her, she was always in and out of the hospital, and I was never allowed to go. I spent more time with a babysitter than I did with my actual family. It made me so jealous of her, because I didn't get why she got to spend so much time with them. Little did I know she was probably jealous of me because of all the pain she felt. But the pain you have to go through is so much worse. When you yelled at that doctor... when you said you wanted to be with your parents, I think I saw real pain for the first time. I saw your face, covered in blood and realised how much physical pain I put you through. I saw your emotional pain, and I don't think I'll ever see something like that again. And I hope I never will, because it fucked me up. It really did." I don't know when I started to cry throughout, but a few tears stream down my face as I listen to his words. He just stares down at the same spot the whole time, like he's in an alternate universe, but he just keeps talking, everything he's saying makes me cry more and more. "When we were fighting, Liam called me a lot. He was so pissed at me, because I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, and I told him that, but he wasn't having it. He told me that I needed to find a way to fix it, because he hated seeing you walking around so mopey and sad. He hates seeing you cry. And he knew how much I liked you, and he told me that I was never going to get any closer to you if I didn't fix things. And that hurt me, but I knew that I deserved to be hurt because I hurt the one that I loved the most and when you were in the hospital he yelled and screamed at me and broke down in tears because if you had died, right then and there he would fucking kill me. Because when I tried to fix things, I only made them worse. We were scared of losing you. And we stayed up all night, praying to God that you would be okay. I made a promise to myself that I would never hurt you again because if I did I knew fucking well that you would end up-" He stops himself there and stares at me, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "Dead." He whispers.