The Bucket List

us

"Us?"

"Us."

"What do you mean, us?" I say, sitting down on his couch. He sits close beside me, but not so close that our bodies are touching or anything.

"Well, I think we both know what I mean."

"I don't." I lie, "enlighten me?"

"I know you're lying. I know you."

"Oh."

"I wanted to talk about what happened yesterday. Between us."

"Okay."

"And obviously, I didn't want to force you to do anything you didn't​ want to do."

"Yeah. I get it."

"So... I don't even really know how to ask this... Did you want to?" I feel like all the pressure that was on him to ask that question is no longer on him, it's on me. I have to be honest with him. I know I do. 

"Yeah." I say, nodding and swallowing hard. "I did." I see all the colour leave his face and all of a sudden I get even more nervous. My hands sweating bullets and my head spinning.

"Oh."

"What? Is something wrong?" My heart starts beating so loud I can feel it in my fingers.

"What? No..." He exaggerates. And as soon as I hear him say it like that, I know fucking well that he's lying.

"Don't lie to me." I say, my voice breaking.

"No, Morgan, please listen."

"I knew it. I fucking knew it." Tears form in my eyes and I look up the ceiling, blinking profusely.

"Knew what?"

"You only wanted to kiss me for the sake of kissing me, and hoping that maybe it would... Turn into something more."

"No, that's not it at all."

"If you had wanted to kiss me, you would have ignored that phone call and done it anyway." I literally just admitted to him that I liked him and he lied to me, and told me he did too.

Maybe he was just trying to make me feel better?

Even still, if he didn't like me, he wouldn't have even tried to kiss me.

"I know, and I regretted-"

"You didn't regret anything."

"I did!"

"And how can you prove that?"

"How can you prove that I didn't​? He's yelling now too. "Haven't you thought maybe I haven't done this before?"

"Been with a girl? Holy shit, you've got to be kidding."

"No! For fuck's sake, Morgan! Stop freaking out! I don't know what's gotten into you over the past five minutes, but like, you need to take a fucking breather."

"I'm the one who needs to take a breather?" I yell, the first tear falls from my cheek and I angrily wipe it away. "I have many valid reasons to be angry at you! I just admitted to that I liked you, and you just turn me away. I don't even fucking know why I'm still here. So there you go. Now you fucking know everything. You know how I really feel about you, you know that I tried my fucking hardest to not feel this way about you. And I'm so fucking sick of everything not working out.

"I understand-"

"No you don't! You think you do but you don't! I am dying, Kevin! I only have a few months left. Nothing is working out." I say, walking to the kitchen table to grab my car keys.