The Bucket List

five days - bonus chapter

Kevin

"You can do this," Liam says, as I button up my jacket in the mirror. I turn to him and don't say anything. There's nothing left to say that he doesn't already know, "it's hard now, but it's only been five days."

"It's never going to stop being hard, Liam."

"It gets easier to deal with. Trust me, I know. There aren't words to describe how I feel, I'm so upset. I can't imagine what this feels like for you."

"I loved her."

"I know."

I feel numb. I'm still in denial. It's not real. She can't really be gone. She's coming back. It can't be real. I was never able to admit to myself that I would have to say goodbye to her. Ten years I loved her, but I would kill for just ten more minutes next to her. I already miss her so much. Five days. I used to be able to go five days without seeing her, no problem at all. This is different. It's the reality of me knowing that I'm never going to see her again. It's the feeling of knowing that I could have treated her better and the feeling of knowing that she could have loved me longer because I didn't treat her right.

"I could have been better, you know?"

"You don't give yourself enough credit. You took her at her worst and turned her into her best."

"It wasn't enough. I-I wasn't enough." Tears form in my eyes as Liam walks towards me, setting a hand on each of my shoulders.

"You were enough. Don't even think otherwise." I nod, looking down at my shoes and my tears not falling, "come on. We have to go." He swings an arm around me and walks me out of the little room we were in, and into the large room where everyone is sitting, waiting for the funeral to start.

I look around and see a couple of familiar faces. She never had much of a family. All that was left was Liam. Everyone here is from school. Emily sits in the third row. I wonder if she really came to pay her respects. Ashley is nowhere in sight. Jack is much further back. I see all her teachers too, a few of them crying.

Julian comes up to me and puts an arm around me. He looks pale. No signs of tears yet today.

"Come on. It's going to be okay. Just sit down." I sit down in the pew as an older woman comes up to me and sets a hand on my shoulder. I jump, turning to face her.

"Hello there," her voice is very soft and calm, "my name is Katherine. I'm going to be leading the service today. What is your name?"

"Kevin. McAllister." It takes me a second to think of my own name. I can't think straight anymore. It's just too hard.

"I see. It says here that you're going to be speaking today?" She says, pointing to a schedule.

"I am."

"Great. I have you scheduled to go after Liam DeAngelis. Is that okay?" Even hearing that last name come out of her mouth nearly sets me off, but I swallow hard and nod.

"Yes, that's fine."

"Perfect. Thank you so much." She walks away and addresses Liam. I don't look at her.

The casket is in the middle of the room. It's surrounded by flowers and cards but I haven't read them. I stand up and walk towards it. I can't feel my legs but I'm getting closer to her somehow. The casket is open. I take a deep breath as I touch the edge of the casket, peering over to see her.

She is pale. Her lips are white and her eyes are closed. Her hands at her chest, holding flowers but I don't know who chose them. Liam maybe. Or Rachel. Tears well up in my eyes as I look at her. I want so badly for the colour to return to her face and for her to take in another breath. For her eyes to flutter open and her heart to beat again. I have to tell myself that it's impossible.