Let's Pretend My Tears Are Raindrops

Lets pretend my tears are raindrops--Chapter One

This is my newest book and it starts out pretty depressing, but trust me, it's going to get a whole lot happier. Comment, vote, fan--I'm good with any of those things. Hope you guys enjoy. Oh yeah, 22 fans!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!! Thanks guys! I love you soooooo much!! :D♥

To the right is a picture of Brandon pre-cancer, or at least what i think hed look like :D

I hope everyone has a gggrrreeeaaatt summer and I also hope that you people like this new story!

Love, --Kayce♥♥

November 9th, 2008

Chapter One-I Promise.

I stood over my dresser trying as hard as I possibly could not to break down. I didn't want Mom to see me like that again. Everyone was already waiting in the car for me, all dressed and ready to go. I was half way in my black dress and struggling with the zipper. It was caught on the silky material and definitely not in mood to cooperate with the depressed person. I loathed the stupid thing.

After a while of struggling I finally left it unzipped and put on the necklace; our necklace. Or what had used to be our necklace. I tried clasping it on myself, but the clasp was teeny which is something I hadn't known since I'd never taken it off after he'd put it on me.

I finally gave up on the clasp and decided that I'd have my mom zip my dress up outside. I held the necklace in my fist and sluggishly went for the door. My sister was staring at me with a pitiful expression on her face. It wasn't every day that you had to go to your boyfriend's funeral. I walked towards the car door and someone opened it for me. I slid into the seat and stared at the carpet.

"Are you okay, honey?" my mom asked me.

"I guess so." I paused and turned to my sister, "Cassie, do you think you could zip up my dress?"

"Sure." She responded. She zipped it and then I handed her the necklace. She gave me a quick glance that I didn't have time to read. She took the necklace in her hand and I held my hair for her to put it on. Feeling it there around my neck, I let a single tear fall from my eyes. I wiped it away quickly and hoped that nobody had seen it. I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen.

Cassie's arms slid around me and she held me in a hug. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up and have everything perfect again. I didn't want Brandon to have cancer. I didn't want him to be dead. I wanted to grow up and marry him and watch our babies play tag in the backyard. I felt like the current of the world was sucking me up and swallowing me whole.

Dad was going about ten miles too fast on the highway in the slow lane. Apparently I'd made them late considering the rush he seemed to be in. I touched a finger to the pearl on the necklace and prayed to God to keep us safe.

Ever since he died I'd been really sensitive to death. I didn't feel safe anywhere. Not in the car. Not in the house. Not anywhere. I was surprised that Cassie was being so nice to me. We usually didn't get along and lately she'd been super nice to me.

Before I could think straight we were in the parking lot of the memorial home. My dad was the first one to get out of the car. He shut the door quietly behind him and began walking towards my door, but before he could reach me Brandon's brother, Bryce was there. He opened my door and held out his hand for me. I could tell that he'd been crying, which was hard for me to imagine. Bryce was the typical jock who was in almost every sport. Your typical womanizer. I'd actually went out with him a couple times and that was how I'd met Brandon.

I took Bryce's hand gave him a one-armed hug. He hugged me back and whispered a greeting in my ear.

Cassie tapped on my Bryce's shoulder and he handed me over to her. She took my hand and we walked into the building. The casket wasn't in the room. It was that room you had in a funeral home where everyone talked and gave apologies and stuff. There was a lot of people gathered around Brandon's parents, but when Brandon's mom saw me she left them and came over by me.

"How are you holding up, dear?" She asked. She sounded about fifty when she was only thirty-eight. There were permanent bags under her eyes and deep frown lines were everywhere.

"I'm okay." I said.

"You don't look so good."

"You don't look so great yourself." Both of our voices were monotone and I felt like I should act like more of a human being.

"I'm holding up." There was a long pause before I could force out any more words.

"Me too." I finally said.

I felt her skinny-little-body wrap its arms around me. Believe it or not this woman had used to be slightly over weight. Now she was probably about ninety-five pounds, pale, and undernourished. Her hair looked brittle, like if you'd touch it it'd shatter. Her eyes were red from either loss of sleep or alcohol, I wasn't sure. And her bones jotted out of her body so that she looked like a skeleton with a little bit of skin on it.

When people told me that I looked bad I thanked the Lord that I didn't look that bad.

A few minutes later everybody filed into (with tissues, of course) the room with the casket where the procession was being held. I made myself look away from where Brandon was. I didn't want to see him yet.

Our family took a seat in the pew behind Brandon's family. Bryce looked back at me and tried to smile. It didn't work. And when I tried to smile back I probably looked angry. Cassie put an arm around my shoulder and my dad hugged us both. I was still managing to hold my tears back. Which was good because I promised myself that I wouldn't cry anymore.

The service seemed to take forever. Brandon's dad spoke about what a great kid he was and how he'd had several college acceptances and scholarships for football. Anyone who didn't already know that stuff didn't belong here. Brandon's doctor spoke about how Brandon had fought it out to the end and never given up. Well, of course; I'd watched him. Then he talked about how in the end his cancer had spread from his stomach to his liver. We all knew what happened after that.

After the doctor spoke, Brandon's aunt, Becky (who was his godmother) talked about how he was in a better place. Some of the things she said made me almost cry. I wasn't handling anything right.

And then it was time.

Everyone gathered into a line to say their final goodbyes to Brandon. I hadn't looked at him yet. His casket was in the corner and if you really tried, you wouldn't see it. I made sure that I was the last person in the line. People were moving slowly and every time someone went up to Brandon they left either with tears or with waterfalls pouring from their eyes. My sister was in front of me and occasionally she'd turn around to check on me. Lately I'd been... quiet.

After what seemed like too soon, I had to face my fears and climb up the stairs to see him. I walked so slow as I allowed the memories to pour into me. Everything that I'd been trying to hide from my brain the last few days came back to me. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I just kept walking towards the casket. It was shiny and black. The side was engraved, "God's Perfect Angel." I was getting almost close enough to see him. And then I did.

He was wearing the suit he'd worn to prom. Black and perfect on so many levels. His favorite hat was on which hit his baldness. His skin was even paler than it was in his last few months and it made me sick to my stomach. I looked behind me and saw Bryce staring back at me. Seeing the healthy version of Brandon almost killed me. Same hair, same eyes, same face. Just not sick.

Looking away from Bryce, I touched Brandon's face softly. "I love you." I said. My voice cracked. "I wish you'd answer me." I said after a while.

I took my hand off of Brandon's face and undid the clasp of my necklace. "I think you're going to need this." I whispered so quietly that I wondered if God could even hear me. "Can you hear me?" I asked. It was no use. "I had this giant speech that I was going to give you, but I can't even remember it anymore." I paused. "I just want you to know that I love you and I promise I will never forget you." I touched his hand. It was cold. "I will never love anybody the way I loved you, Brandon, I promise."

As carefully as I possibly could, I set the necklace on his chest. I kissed his hand and then I reluctantly turned back towards my family.