Life Without You

Strength

Clarke:

I wake up to Madi's snoring, she was clearly still exhausted. But could I blame her after everything she's had to face these past few days? After spending the past 6 years without so much as a fight for food she was very unprepared for all of this. Of course, I told her stories about what it was like before but I would never have imagined we'd go back right to where we were before Praimfaya. Fighting for our lives.

My body is heavy, filled with pain. I try to wiggle around to find a comfortable position but nothing helps. I notice Madi's hand tightly holding mine. I brush some hair out of her face and lean down to kiss her.

I look around the dark room to find Bellamy hadn't come back yet. I couldn't have sleeping long if he was still checking on everyone. I slip out of bed being extremely careful not to wake up Madi. I slowly made my way to the door, the pain of surgery slowed me down. I probably shouldn't be walking around, but I had to see Bellamy. He too was injured and should be resting.

I slip out of the room slowly walking through the hall checking each room to see if Bellamy was in any of them. I guess I was also checking to see if everyone else was okay as well. We fought way too long and hard for us to lose anyone now. We were too stubborn to die.

I continue walking down the hall until I find a door open with the light on. Voices murmured in a distance. I slowly made my way down to the door. Bellamy was standing with his back to the door talking to Echo whose eyes were focused on Bellamy, her hands balled up in fists. The room was filled with tension.

Just as I stepped forward to place my hand on Bellamy's shoulder Echo's voice cracks as she yells. "We lost our baby and all you did was push me away when I needed you." Pain took over my body. This pain was different though, it started in my chest and spread like wildfire.

Tears rushed down my cheeks uncontrollably as I let out a small sob. Why didn't he tell me? The fire burned within me as Bellamy turned to look at me. His face was tense but full of regret. He tilted his head his eyes full of tears. It was the same look he gave me when I was leaving after Mount Weather.

Without any further thought, I walked away, I just needed to breathe. I just needed to reevaluate this. I needed to cry a bit alone. All the rooms were occupied so I decided some fresh air would be good to clear my mind. I walk towards the stairs of the bunker. Before I walk up the stairs I grab my rifle, I couldn't risk going out without protection. As I place my hand on the door hesitantly I open it.

My face was met with the fresh cool night air. I took a few steps forward. I felt like I couldn't breathe, even with all the fresh air my body was incapable of processing it all. I bend over placing my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath. This was all too much to process. I stood up and walked over to a tree, leaning my back against it as I slowly got down to sit.

Why didn't he tell me? Maybe he wanted to forget the situation altogether. Maybe he regretted it all. Maybe he didn't trust me. Maybe things really had changed between them. Maybe Echo was his confidant now. He did spend 6 years with her. That's more than enough time for a change in their relationship.

Why had I been so foolish to think that Bellamy didn't have any relationship with Echo or Raven? Why had I been so stupid to believe he would have waited for me? He knew I was alive. He knew I radioed him every day. He knew I loved him. But that wasn't enough for him. He had needs, that clearly Echo was enough to meet. He didn't care.

I took a deep breath, well maybe Lexa was right. Maybe love is weakness. Maybe I should just let this go before it consumes me. Maybe I should focus on what's most important right now. The new sky people. My mom in the bunker. Trying to come up with a plan to find peace and continue on with humanity.