evanescent

nineteen

"I fucking hate him", I said, placing my head in my hands and trying to breathe evenly. I didn't want to have another breakdown right now, I just wanted to forget it all.

"You have every right to."

I didn't respond to Harry. I just was breathing. I just wanted to focus on all the things that I knew in the world to be true, all the things that were inevitable. 

My name is Daisy.
I am single.
I am a college student.
I am a daughter, a sister, and a friend.
I am smart, I am beautiful, I am kind.
I am worthy of everything the world has to offer.

"It's going to be alright, Daisy", Harry was standing behind me rubbing his hand up and down my back. I looked at him and smiled.

"I know, I know", I said tears brimming the corner of my eyes, "I'm just lost now is all. I really fucked up, Harry."

"Why do you say that? You did nothing wrong. Don't do this to yourself."

"Not in my relationship, just with my life. I was depending on Niall for everything and now I have nothing. I didn't even want to go to this school, I wanted to take a year off but Niall was here so I followed him. College debt for nothing now."

"I thought you always wanted to go to college, you dreamed of it when we were together."

"I hated school after all the stuff with us happened. People gave me so much shit, even after it all was years in the past people were so mean to me about it. It became less about learning and more about keeping my head down and avoiding people. I wanted to go to college for the education and the experience but I just wanted a break from it all after my senior year. Besides, I want to be a writer and I don't think you have to have a college degree for a job like that."

"What are you going to do?", Harry asked and I just shook my head, the tears beginning to fall. I stood up and he opened his arms to hold me. He began rubbing my back again and I was just ugly crying into his arms. He didn't even react to the sounds that were coming out of me. Just rubbing my back and occasionally kissing a head on the top of my forehead. 

I looked up at him and rubbed the tears from my eyes. The concern in his eyes was endearing. He had never looked at me like this, which such worry and love. He always seemed to want something out of me in the past, he viewed me as such a sexual thing. I never thought Harry really loved me when I looked back on our relationship now that I was an adult. Everything he was so willing to do for me now said the total opposite. He really seemed to care and wanted to go out of his way to prove himself to me. I liked that.

I didn't want to get caught up in any of those thoughts though. Harry was right when he said I needed to be alone with myself. I needed to be single and let my feelings eat me alive. I need to sleep alone at night and cry alone. I needed to go through all the feelings of a break up and mourn the life I thought I was going to live with Niall before I thought of Harry with love or lust. I wanted to be with Harry but I didn't want to rush into something. I didn't want to get myself hurt again.

 Most of all, I didn't want to play with Harry and his feelings. He told me he wanted to really love me and I wanted to get the chance to have that with him. Who knows how the world would be different if Harry and I didn't have a student teacher relationship. Harry deserved to feel a wonderful love, one that lit up his life. He deserved a love from someone who could love every piece of him without wondering about the past. I wasn't ready for that yet.

"What are you thinking about, little one?", he asked snapping me out of this daze, the image of a real relationship with Harry dancing in my head.

"Everything."

"Just relax", he started rub my temples, a remedy that was suppose to be calm headaches. I didn't know if it would work but this little gesture made my heart glow and beam with joy.

"I should probably call my parents, see if I can come home", I said with a sigh, "They are going to be so sad about Niall, they liked him. And if I tell them I want to drop out of school they are going to kill me."

"You don't have to", Harry said all to quick, " This is a big house, you could have your own room if you'd like. Get a job and pay me rent if that will make you feel more independent. Plus, they can't kill you if you don't go back to their house."

"Harry, you don't have to do that. I'll be fine, I'm sure they'll get over it in time."

"Are you sure, Daisy? This house could use some feminine energy and you could help me keep it clean. Nothing more than room mates", he said and just a little bit of my heart shattered. I wanted to be more than room mates with him, that was the biggest problem about Harry and I living together. 

"That's the problem. I don't think I can just be room mates with you."

"Only room mates until your heart is ready and you can love me fully. We don't have to be just room mates for long."

"Are you sure, Harry. I'm a lot to handle."

"Nothing I can't handle."

Tomorrow Never Came// Lana Del Rey
Landslide// Fleetwood Mac