evanescent

twenty two

With how positive her reaction was to everything I had told her about Niall, I decided to tell her about everything else too. About Harry inviting me to live with him, about not wanting to finish this year of school. I felt eager to be open with her. It sucked that my dad cheating on her made her so different but it was a good different. The way my mother viewed the world was the complete opposite of how she viewed the world when I was growing up.

"As for school", she begins to say, "You're smart, you're full of potential, and your education matters but only if you are ready for it. If you're not I understand. I think you should just stay and get your degree but if you are unhappy there is nothing I can do to make you stay."

"And as for Harry", she started and then stopped, I could tell she was really thinking by the way her eyebrows were scrunched together. I wasn't sure that I was ready for the answer that I was about to get from her. 

"I think, and this is just my opinion, he isn't someone you should involve yourself with. After all that happened with him and you, to me he doesn't seem like the best of people. I truly don't know him like you do and if he is a good person, despite what I believe there is nothing I can do to stop you."

This was the answer I expected and knew she was going to give. A piece of me wanted her to be like ," go after what you love, who cares past is in the past" but that's just not hurt. For her to sit there and act like what he did was okay was something she was never going to do. I don't think anyone would sit there and act like our student-teacher relationship was okay.

 I really thought about it differently though. I never put all the blame onto Harry for what happened, I never viewed him as the bad guy, or some dirty teacher. I knew it was wrong but we were both to blame for it. I couldn't sit by and act like I didn't lead him on, or lead him into me. I wanted to be with him just as badly as he wanted to be with me. I went out of my way to flirt with him a lot of the time and initiated things we did together. I never felt forced by Harry. I wanted everything we did together and I was never going to put the blame on him.

 If I wouldn't have gone after him in the first place, if I wouldn't have entertained him or stayed after class things would have been different. I am just as guilty as Harry is in our situation and I am not going to hold it against him. 

"Thank you", I said taking my mother in for a hug and then heading up to my room. My room was not the same as it was when I was growing up, but it felt normal. It felt the same. I could be whoever I wanted to be in here,  alone with my problems and my thoughts. It was nice but I knew I didn't want to stay here and that confused me. 

I would've been open to staying but knowing that my dad was cheating, it just didn't feel right. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to keep my mom's secret for the life of me. I would tell him somehow, I would have to. I think men who cheat, who claim they love one person til death do they part and go against their vow, are disgusting. I knew I wouldn't be able to sit by knowing that he was taking advantage of how good my mother was. He would never deserve a woman like her.

I just knew that I shouldn't jump into things with Harry. I didn't want to fall into a relationship with him right away. I knew that if I was living with him, seeing him like that every single day I would fall right in love with, easily. He is so beautiful all the time and the way he treats me is enough to make me just fall into him. I could do anything in the world as long as I was with him and I didn't need that right now. I didn't want to feel like I needed someone. 

I wanted to be on my own. I was crushed and lost a lot of what I thought was who I was when Niall and I broke up. I wanted to sit by and think about myself. I wanted to cry to sad music for hours on end. I wanted to spend time with my friends that I had been missing out on. Harry would stop all of those things if I was just living with him. It wasn't that he was controlling, I just knew I would fall under the spell of everything he is. 

As I started unpacking some of my bags, looking at the mess of things Niall had packed my phone began to ring bringing me out of thought. It was Sienna.

"So about tonight", she said, "You are coming right, because Rose said it was a maybe and I think it should be a yes."

I felt emotionally drained and exhausted, in no way was I ready to party. I wanted to snuggle up in my childhood bed and binge watch whatever I could find. 

"I don't know, Sienna. I don't think I'm up for it. This is all so fresh", I heard her sigh on the other end and the both of us were silent for a minute. I begin to pick through the clothes stumbling on a short, black dress that would be perfect for the occasion if I decided to go. I ran my hands over the fabric thinking about dancing, be free, meeting new people. I had never got the chance to wear this dress. The dress was completely out of my comfort zone with how short it was and how low the neckline was but it was gorgeous.

"I understand that", she says, " We miss you and we both just thought now that you were single we'd get a bit more of you. I don't want to be the one to force you.

"Fuck it, I have a dress I want to wear. What time?", I exclaimed and Sienna squealed on the other end of the phone.

"The party starts at 10, its 7 now but I am coming to do your make up. Send me your address", she said and I began to feel excited to go out. We both said our goodbyes to each other and she said she would be on her way. She was a lot more understanding about my post break up feelings than Rose was. She didn't want to force me into anything and I appreciated that but she was right. I hadn't spent enough time with any of my friends and that was unfair to them.