evanescent

twenty one

It all hit me before I even began to explain myself. So much had happened and I had no idea where I wanted to begin. It all felt so unreal to me still. One day I was just going through a rough patch with my boyfriend the next I was alone because he had been cheating on me the whole entire span of our relationship. It almost didn't make sense, none of it felt right. 

"Niall was cheating on me the entire span of our relationship", I finally brought myself to say. My mom let me cry before forcing anything out which I appreciated.

"Seriously?", she sounded shocked, I passed my phone across the table to her and she began flipping through the pictures of him with countless other girls, "They are all different."

"Harry told me that he brought a different girl to each one of their family functions", I said before realizing she had no idea who Harry was, "Harry is the teacher guy I was with, he is also Niall's brother. No one ever cared to explain that to me in the time that I knew the both of them."

"None of them told you any of this until just know? And how are you in contact with that teacher again?", so many questions from my mom worried me. I was always scared that there was going to be a piece of her judging me. She isn't like that anymore, a lot more open minded and let me make adult mistakes but it just scared me. I knew I had to, and could be, open with her but I just wasn't used to it. 

"He was working at our school for a while and he just wanted to talk, see how things were and catch up, so I agreed to it. That's when I found out they were brothers. Niall and I were fighting a lot because he didn't trust me. He had no reason not to trust me though so I went to see Harry just to prove myself to him, and kind of just to spite him I guess. When I was with Harry he pulled out an album of all these pictures. There were so many."

My mother just began to rub my back comfortingly. Her nails bringing me into a childhood state of ease, like I was a little girl again, in bed next to my mom without a care in the world. I felt relaxed with her. I couldn't decide if it was her that was so calming and her energy, or the energy of all the healing crystals running through the house.

"Men are really shit, my child. They really are", she said and walked over to the fridge grabbing a water bottle, " Can I be honest with you."

"Of course."

"You're father has been cheating on me the past year."

"And how do you know?", I said shocked, my jaw hanging out of my mouth. It was the last thing I expected from my father but his lack of presence in our house made sense. He hadn't been around much in a long time. It disgusted me. For the longest time my parents were the picture of a happy couple. They cared so much for each other and the little things seemed to really matter to them. You went anywhere with them and people could just tell they were in love. 

"One of the women who works at his office sent me pictures of them."

"And you haven't said anything? If I was you I'd leave his ass so fast", I said and she laughed sipping on her water. I could see worry and hurt in her eyes. 

"It's not worth it, he'll come around and tell me. I know it for a fact. I'll just sit here in this big empty house, with his credit card, and live my best life without him. No man is really worth the energy is what I've learned from this."

I respected my mother for that. It was odd because I think most women would confront their husbands. I think most women would leave their husbands in a heartbeat. My mom was using my dad now for the home they had built together and his money, maybe not the most respectable option or the smartest but I admired it. It hurt though to see the one example of truth love I knew to be shattered, on top of my relationship with my boyfriend just ending it was all a lot to handle. 

"Why did you decide to tell me this now?"

"Because", she started and then stopped, "Because I think there is still love in the world, especially for you if you want it. I think love is such an important thing and to be in love with another person. To trust someone enough with the vulnerability in you, to build a family with that person, and accept someone in all of their flaws."

"But, don't let the need to feel loved by others or be in relationships consume you. You are so young, you are young and you should be carefree. You don't need someone to love you to be happy and I think after how long you were with Niall you should just take some time to learn the whole of who you are. You are more important than the relationship you were in and the relationships you are going to be in."

Her words of wisdom really resonated with me, more so than any piece of advice anyone had given me. I felt almost as if I was damaged goods after all that had happened with Niall. I really felt so fed up with it all and was questioning everything. I wanted so badly for something with him to work out and it crushed me that it didn't. Every bit of advice she had given me was right.

I had never let myself truly live. I am a college student with the world at my feet and not really living. I had been so consumed with someone who was never consumed by me. I never had the chance to just be young and make all the mistakes I wanted to while I still could.I had to look into myself to find what I needed the most. If I wanted to be young and wild, I could do so. If I wanted to focus on my studies or leave the country and travel, I could. This was the time for me to be young and dumb, to do whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.

I was still upset by Niall but I think I was getting more excited about life without him.