evanescent

twenty seven

Harry had practically made me a feast. The island in his kitchen was covered in waffles, eggs, hasbrowns, bacon, sausage, almost every breakfast food imaginable. I wasn't going to eat all of it, some of it was for Harry of course but I felt spoiled by him in this moment. He told me that whenever he was hungover he just ate all he could, even if it made him sick and drank as much water as possible. His thought process was that if you were irresponsible drinking might as well just eat all the food you want.

"I think there is some stuff we should talk about", Harry started as he began to eat the plate of food he made for himself. I had began eating too and I had felt my stomach do flips at the thought of talking about stuff. I wanted to be open with Harry, we really did have something going here but I never knew what to expect from him. We had history and as much as I knew he changed, I had witnessed his emotions flip at the drop of a hat before.

"About?"

"The way I used to treat you", I nodded and he set down his fork, running his fingers threw his hair.

The way Harry treated me was horrible and both of us knew that. It took a lot of healing to understand what I deserved to be treated like in a relationship and understand what trust looked like. I know now that Niall and I never had the picture perfect trustworthy relationship, he was cheating on me the whole time, but Niall didn't treat me like Harry did. He didn't start petty arguments, he didn't get mad at me for going out with friends. Little things did upset Niall like they did Harry and it was really hard to grasp that Niall was treating me right after all the hardships Harry and I had in our relationship.

"Yeah."

"I was the fucking worst and Rose had every right to say that shit to me on the phone."

"Hey, she didn't. It might be true but she has no right to say things like that. The shit that happened between us, is between us and I feel like she has no right to make you feel bad about stuff that doesn't involve her directly", I took his defense because I wanted to make him feel better. He obviously held some kind of guilt if he felt like we had to talk about it now.

"That is true but her points were right. I hold so much guilt about our relationship because I really did love you. I loved spending time with you and I loved talking to you, you always have had such a bright perspective on the world. I loved you and I really didn't let you see that. I had this insecure wall up the whole entire time, you tried to build a bond with me and grow with me in such a mature way and I would never fully let you in."

"Harry-"

"It was always a fight with you about the dumbest shit and I know that had to have taken a tole on you. I wanted to be all that you saw in the world and it was fucked up. Don't you agree?"

"Well yeah", I began to tear up at this point, " I was traumatized a lot from our relationship. Niall had to work with me so much for me to just let go around him. I had became so clingy because I felt like if it wasn't all about our relationship he was going to leave me."

"I'm so sorry."

We both started to eat our food again. I felt there was tension between the two of us, like he still had more to say but was holding himself back. I had more to say too, Harry traumatized me a lot about relationships, but I had moved passed that. I had gone through a phase where I hated the way he made me but that was so long ago and I had grown since then. 

"Harry, you've grown up so much since then you don't have to feel bad anymore."

"I have never been able to forgive myself for the fact that you were just a girl. I know it was all consensual and you have nothing against our age, I know that and I know that it was never an age thing for either of us. You are someone's daughter and Rose was completely right, I objectified you and I can never forgive myself for that. I mean every time we fought I just did made it into something sexual. If someone had done that to my daughter, I would have killed them."

Tears were streaming down Harry's face and at this point both of us were crying. He was right about it all but it just shocked me how guilty he felt about it all. I never imagined Harry holding so much guilt about our relationship, it really did show how much he had changed in the past five years and it made me proud of him. Seeing that he had changed so much made me feel at ease and gave me some closure towards our toxic relationship.

"Harry", I said as I moved to his side on the table and put my arms around him, he began to sob into my chest and I was crying too but not nearly as hard as he was, " It's okay, it's going to be okay. Breathe."

I rubbed my hands up and down his back, placing on his head. 

"You know I forgive you. I forgive you for all of this", I told him and he looked up.

"You know that you don't have to. I have to come to terms with the shit person I have been in my life."

"You can forgive yourself, Harry. You don't have to come to terms with it and hold this heavy in your heart you whole life. I was mad for a really long time. I was mad because I felt special with you and when I realized how fucked up our relationship was I felt taken advantage of and like a fool. I felt stupid but my attraction to you and love you for you never faded because I knew there had to be something good in you. I see that good in you now. I see that good in you because you helped me out of a toxic relationship, I see that good you in right now because you see your wrongs and are willing to fix them. I forgive you."

Same Drugs// Chance the Rapper