evanescent

thirty two

The past week or so with family, completely with family was hellish. I had come to hate all the time that I had spent with them. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being with my family after all the time apart. I was happy to be around familiar people who I knew loved me and wanted to be around me. It was nice change of peace and I felt myself now more than ever getting over the break up with Niall. I felt like myself when I spent all of this time with my family. 

But every night, when I was finally alone I felt so drained of energy. I felt like I was pretending to be someone I wasn't all day. I would lay in bed and cry just because I wanted to feel hope, I wanted to feel loved, and I wanted to feel like there was a sense of true love. I felt like a piece of me had died recently and I needed to be reborn except I had no idea how. I felt so alone and lost in my feelings right now with no clue how to handle any of what I was feeling. I was looking for anything to make myself feel better at this point. 

One of those things was Harry. Him and I were barely talking. Both of us were busy with our own things and we understood that. I would call him in the middle of the night though, whenever I just needed someone to talk to. I would call him with barely any air in my lungs, crying my eyes out, and he would soothe me. He would tell me little stories about his days or things he had gone through in his life. Sometimes he would get me to talk about how I was feeling, even though I would barely talk about it. He knew I needed to and each night he would try to get a little more out of me. 

The only good things to come out of all this struggle and odd feelings was my job. I had finally gotten a job at a diner near the college and I was going to start working there about a week after Christmas. I was excited to have some money in my pockets and something to keep me busy. Plus, once school started back up I was going to stay with Sienna for the rest of the year. Despite, all of my emotional issues right now I had some kind of direction that made me feel like an adult. 

It was Christmas Eve night now, practically Christmas Day considering the fact that it was late at night, pretty much early morning now. 

"Hey", I said into the phone

"Hello, love", Harry said groggily into the phone. 

"You were asleep?"

"Only for a little", he yawned, "I'd rather talk to you if you need it though."

"Good because I miss you", I told him, "And I hate sleeping alone."

"You are welcome to sleep over, you know. I miss you too."

We went silent for a moment, I had no idea what to say. It was this subtle level of flirting that confused me. I felt like he were both wanting to be together, but I knew that he just wanted to be friends for now. I was going through a lot right now too and I knew we had to take things slow. These little moments made my heart swell and ache for more. I knew I had to take my time with him this time. 

"You want to talk about it tonight?"

"Yeah", I said then just went silent. I wanted to talk about my feelings tonight especially because I wasn't crying. For once I knew I was going to be able to get the words out and not choke on them.

"I'm listening", he pushed.

"It's stupid", I started, "I just feel like my childhood is dead and true love isn't real and all couples will never die happily with each other, with the feeling of love in their hearts like they first had for each other. It's weird. When you are a kid you imagine your parents being this two people who love each other more than anything in the world, at least I did and you put them on this pedestal. They always seemed so in love and I prayed I would have a love like theirs one day. He is cheating on her right now, my mom knows and doesn't want to leave him. He is happy with someone other than her but they sleep together at night. Niall was happy with other people but always came home to sleep with me."

"I'm so sorry, Daisy."

"I just want to be hopelessly in love."

"It will happen", Harry began to comfort me and I felt tears well up in my eyes.

"I just don't think it will. I'm convinced that love and marriage are all pointless at this point. We grow up waiting for a happily ever after and then we grow up and we realize it's unrealistic."

"Niall made you this way", Harry said through gritted teeth, "You've always been such a hopeless romantic and him cheating on you brought you down. Your own father too. I'm so sorry that none of the men in your life have showed you the example of how men are suppose to be, that includes me."

"It's okay."

"But it's not. You are the best girl I know, with so much honest love to give. That's all you want really, for someone to love you exactly as you are with loyalty and respect. Someone is going to be so good to you one day and give you all that love you dream of", I wanted it to be him, even if he hadn't been that in the past. He was talking about it like it was going to be someone else and that killed me a little. 

"I just feel like falling in love is a scam at this point. Why bother?", I stated and he sighed, "What?"

"It isn't a scam."

"It is a scam", was all I said and both of us went silent. I really did feel that way. 

We get married to someone and have kids with them just so we can spend more money. Falling in love may not be the scam, but marriage was. If you really loved someone you didn't have to marry them buy law to prove that or get them some big fancy ring that virtually meant nothing. 

"I wish it was you", I finally said breaking the silence, " I wish you were the one to show me love wasn't a scam."

"Merry Christmas, love. I'll talk to you tomorrow", Harry said, not even responding to my confession.

"Merry Christmas, Harry."

You Found Me/ The Fray
Trouble/ Coldplay

I'm feeling so talented and so strong after writing this lmfao.. This is easily one of my favorite chapters I have ever written and It just establishes SOOO much for the future of the story. I feel like I finally know where I am going with this again and am SO inspired.
Let me know what you think of the chapter!!