evanescent

twenty three

Sienna had arrived with food and plenty of make up to completely transform me before the party. I wasn't the type for too much make up, I barely ever wore any but it would feel nice to be all dolled up for something. If she was completely willing to give me the make over she had always dreamed of giving me, then I wouldn't stop her. 

I knew that it would also benefit me to feel pretty in a cute outfit with make up on. I felt completely disgusting after all that had happened with Niall. I felt so used and unwanted. I felt so valued in our relationship and to know what was really happening the whole time made me feel like shit. He filled me with lies about how he felt the whole time and I was feeling really down on myself about it. All of the serious relationships, I'd held in my life had been built on so many lies.

"Hey, I can't move onto the eye shadow if you are crying. What's wrong?", Sienna said moving the brushes down and moving herself so that she could look me more in the eye. She brought me in for a hug and I couldn't help but just lean in and cry on her shoulder. 

"I just want to feel real love. Every single person I have dated, I don't think really loved me. Ever. I think they just loved that I loved them."

"You love to hard and that can be a blessing and a curse. You have to let go of all this stress about it all, stop worrying about yourself doing something wrong when you never did. They were the ones in the wrong and they will have to live with losing you for the rest of their lives."

As much as I hated to hear it, as much as I just wanted to cry over all the hurt I was feeling, she was right. I could just sit around and wallow in my sadness. I had to find my worth in all of this.

"Sorry, I'm crying off my new face", I said dabbing at my eyes hoping not to ruin any of the masterpiece.

"You know I am happy to fix it for you", Sienna said before going back to silence, touching up the little bit of a mess I had made of myself," You know what I think?"

"What?"

"You should either just, be single for a super long time and not date, just cut off all the boys in your life and learn to love yourself OR, you can hook up with a random guy tonight in attempt to get back at that Niall has done."

"Yeah, I'm not hooking up with a random guy. I get attached to easily."

"It could be a good thing", she added as she began to work on my eyes, " You could make up for a lot of lost time, where you didn't get to be a single college lady."

I was going to take this time to regain my youth but I wasn't just going to hook up with anyone in an attempt to do that. I think that would only make me feel worse about my situation, but while Sienna finished of my make up I continued to think about it. I wanted to be single and I knew that it was something that was going to be good for me. I just didn't know how, I was obsessed with being in love and being in a relationship. It was when I was my happiest. I really was going to have to learn how to be myself and have fun just being alone. I didn't even know how I was going to act at the party tonight or what to expect from people. 

"Here we go", Sienna said spraying my face down with an expensive setting spray and fanning it so that it would dry down. I told her to do what she thought would be pretty, something that was going to be a look but also wasn't going to be too over the top. I wanted to look like a prettier version of myself, a glam version, but not someone I didn't even recognize.

"I went subtle and glowy, a really pretty pink eye look", she said pulling out the small hand held mirror she had brought with her. I smiled at myself in the mirror and moved my head in all directions so I could admire the glow that was radiating from my skin.

"It's so pretty", I said getting up to hug her and then looking at my face in the mirror again. I hadn't seen myself look so beautiful in the past few days and this feeling alone was enough to make me feel like I had gotten some of my groove back. I loved to just look at myself and see myself like this. For the first time in days, I felt like I looked like myself. Calm and composed. On the inside, I didn't feel the same but it was nice to feel like I was on the outside. 

"Now I brought some outfits for you if you don't have anything you want to wear. I want you to be the cutest girl in that party so that even if you don't want to hook up with anyone you get a ton of attention from all the boys at the party."

"What do you even wear to a party?"

She began picking things out of my wardrobe that she liked and thought would be cute for a party that would match my outfit, while also putting things together that she brought that would look good. Sienna was the girliest girl I knew, she knew just how make up and outfits and hair worked. She could make anything look good and I admired that in her. I wanted to be the girly kind of girl that always had a cute outfit, weather it was casual or formal, and always looked put together. I knew that Sienna had been through a lot and was still going through a lot but she always seemed to look so put together. 

I had decided to wear a short, floral dress with a light wash denim jacket over it. It was an oddly warm, winter night so I was taken advantage of that and wearing a dress. It seemed like the perfect time to take advantage of the weather. Sienna and I had taken a couple pictures together in my body length mirror before heading on our way to pick up Rose and go to the party.