evanescent

twenty eight

After the heart to heart I had with Harry, I had decided it would be best for me to go home. I didn't want to leave. I just wanted to spend all my time with Harry and especially after he laid his heart out for me I wanted to comfort him. More than anything, I just wanted to hold him and cuddle up to him. I would let all of it happen too, but it wasn't right. I could see a serious relationship with Harry in the future but I knew I couldn't jump into it and neither could he. Both of us had a lot of healing to do on our own before we thought of really being together.

It really taught me a lot to see Harry break down like that. He truly was a broken man who was trying to learn to be a better version of himself. I respected and admired that but most of all, I didn't want to interfere on that. I didn't want to set any of his growth back. He held a lot of guilt and pain that he needs to get through and I can't stop that process. When Harry dropped me off at my house, we agreed to keep in touch. I told him I would text him soon but I didn't think I was.

I really wanted to do some healing, move on from a lot of this. I had a lot of things to recover from with all that happened with Niall. Plus, Harry had dug up some old feelings from the past bringing up how disgusted he was by the way he acted and that was a lot for me to handle. I really was going to need to process all of this on my own before "keeping in contact with Harry" was a priority of mine.

"Your friends were looking for you, hun", my mom said as I walked in the door, "And then they told me you were with Harry."

"Yeah", I was hesitant. I could tell in her tone that she didn't approve of my actions but I wasn't looking for her approval. I wasn't looking to hide things from her either. I was an adult now and I had nothing to fear from my mother. I knew where hiding things about Harry got me last time though and I knew it wasn't worth it.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"And why is that?"

"I had no way out, none of my friends would have been willing to leave plus they were already drunk. Niall showed up."

"Oh", she said nodding her head. I wasn't sure if she understood but she was listening and that was better than her yelling and punishing me.

"Niall being there was my worst fear and I really didn't want to call anyone else", she nodded her head again. She had moved to the couch where I was sitting and sat next to me.

"Let's talk Harry", she began, "What is it about him?"

"He's gorgeous and you see him for the first time and he is the most beautiful person you have ever seen in your life. You want him to like you so badly, he's just one of those people who you gravitate towards no matter what. Once you get to know him and you realize it isn't just his looks and there is so much more to him than that you fall for him."

"It's his energy", she began," With Niall it was never like that?"

"Never."

"Because as long as you were with Niall I never felt that kind of love from either of you. You walk in from spending the night at Harry's and I can just feel how warm his energy makes you, like he is rubbing of on you."

"And you know he isn't a bad guy", I began, "We kept a secret and I was under-aged and those are bad things but I really don't think that defines him. I can sense such a genuine change in him, Mom."

"That is such a decision you have to make for yourself and I trust you in that you will make the right one", she got up from the couch and picked up a sage stick. My mom had a love of cleansing the house with sage at least twice a month. I think the fact that she was continuing the sage session while we were talking about Harry had to mean something to her.

"You'll have to meet him someday", I told her and she laughed a bit. You could sense that she was still upset about the situation. A teacher, someone you should trust with your child, taking the innocence of her teenage daughter. I wouldn't be happy about the situation either but I felt like if she knew Harry the way I did she would be able to see all that I saw in him.

"Maybe."

After that conversation, I felt odd. I felt so many different things. Just an hour or so ago, I had decided to ease into any kind of relationship with Harry, friendship or more. I had decided I would not go right into texting him because I had a lot of stuff on my own to deal with. After really talking about him, talking about him to someone who I had to make like him that changed how I felt. It brought me right back to where I was before. The place where I wanted to be around him all the time, fall deeply in love with him, and romance him every second of everyday. 

I was falling for him in the most pathetic way because he had no idea. He was nothing more than a supportive friend to me at this point. He didn't even want to be romantic with me right now because he felt like he was taking advantage of me. I knew he liked me at one point but the closer we became as friends I began to question that feeling. I wanted to just be with him and I knew that was the wrong thing to do, I just couldn't resist it.

They Don't Know About Us-One Direction
Dive- Ed Sheeran