Pleasure

Chapter Forty-Three

I stare blankly at the ceiling as my mind tries to wrap around a simple thought. I can't get his face out of my mind. Everything about him is so different now. It's so dark and horrendous. I wish I didn't know, I wish I wasn't scared, but I am. I should have listened to him. I should have headed his warnings. I hate that Courtney was right. He couldn't keep it a secret, and I found out, and now I'm scared.

I thought I knew him. I thought I knew everything about him, but I was so wrong. I start to wonder if I know him at all. Everything he's told me has been so innocent until now. I can't find a single thing to trust anymore. I want to trust him. I want to feel safe around him again, but there's that doubtful feeling that I can't shake.

****
Take me home, I mumble, staring down at the gun.

Aria, please let me explain

Take me home! Jacob looks discouraged. He sniffles a little, then shoves the gun back into the glove compartment. He starts the car and instantly drives off, taking me by surprise. The car ride is silent, but deadly. He doesn't bother going the speed limit and it's scaring me. He strangles the steering wheel, not slowing down for anything.

Slow down, I tell him with a shaky voice. He smirks bitterly and eases up on the gas before speeding up again.

I knew it. I knew I would scare you away. Now you see what I've been telling you all along. Stay away from me, Aria. I'll only bring you down. I'm serious, stay away from me.

I got so caught up in what he was saying, I hadn't realized that we were already at my house. He stops the car and stares dead ahead as the noise from the engine lingers over us. He doesn't dare catch my eye and in a way, I don't want him to. I jiggle the door handle quickly before hopping out of the car. As I'm closing the door, he reaches across and shuts it from his side. He speeds off, making a loud screeching noise erupt from his tires. He turns the corner, then he's gone.
****

Now I'm here. I'm just laying here and I can't seem to think straight. I don't know about anything anymore. My mind legitimately can't form a single thought about Jacob. I don't know what I want or what I expect. I don't know what I see for us anymore. I don't know what we are. I don't know anything.

I mean how do you react when your boyfriend tells you he's a killer? Maybe not a killer, per say, but he did kill a person. Do I call the cops? Do I act like I've never met him? I don't know if I'm particularly scared he'll come in my room at night and kill me, but I do look at him differently now that I know he's taken someone's life. And for what, to avenge his murdered father? I feel sympathy for him because he felt so alone. I can't imagine the pain he went through. All of this information is hard to swallow and it has an extremely bitter taste going down.

It almost makes me mad how he told me to stay away from him. True enough, he just unfolded his biggest secret to me and I practically begged to get away from him, but I still feel like after all we've been through, it can't be over now. It's not fair. None of this is fair. I wanted to prove him wrong. I wanted to prove everyone wrong about him. In my eyes he was so misunderstood. Now he just expects me to stay away from him? I know I'll have so many unanswered questions eating away at my brain over the next couple of days. Besides, I've grown attached, how does he expect me to just move on like we didn't have anything special?

I mean, did we...?

Jacob

I sit on my couch staring blankly at the tv. I feel almost like a zombie. I know I fucked up before, but now there's seriously no way she'll come back. I didn't even tell her everything and she's already afraid to be around me. I wish she knew more. I wish she knew about the late night runs and the woman from the bar. How she wanted to sleep with me, but we did other things instead. I wish she knew what I do to make the stress go away.

But the look in her eyes said it all. She practically begged to get away from me. She wasn't ready to know. I shouldn't have told her everything. I should've laid with her a little longer. Now everything seems colder. I miss her and everything about her. I exposed one of my biggest secrets and she completely left. My information is just out there and I don't know what she's going to do with it. I'm not sure if I should expect a knock on the door from the cops, or if she'll be like Courtney and just tell everyone in school I'm a freak. At this point, I don't even know if I care. She was all I had.

I walk to the kitchen and grab a bottle of beer. I pop the cap open and take a big swig. No matter how many times I drink, it still burns my throat on the way down. I close my eyes and see Aria. I try to rub her away, but she doesn't fade. Girls like Aria never fade away. Girls like Aria make you want to get out of bed in the morning with a smile and do something nice for the world. Girls like Aria make you want to achieve the goals you abandoned years ago. Nobody can particularly compare to Aria. She'll always be that girl I scared away.

I pull out my phone and consider calling her. I wouldn't even know what to say. I don't even know where to begin. A life without me in it is a better life for her. I've corrupted her enough, I know it. She doesn't deserve that and I definitely don't deserve her. As hard as this is, I know it's for the best. I can't fight it anymore.

I take another gulp and sulk, drowning in the bottom of my bottle as images of Aria wash over me. I fall into acceptance that I won't be good enough for her world, or any one.